My boyfriend, Phil, has been gone for almost a month. Every day has been difficult, but the first two weeks were the worst. My stomach hurt, I couldn't eat, and I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was on the verge of tears every second of every day. I walked around like a zombie, going through my routine, as usual, but not really thinking or caring about any of it. This is never good for any law student, but I just couldn't care or concentrate on anything other than the fact that half of my heart felt like it had been forcibly removed. It's a horrible combination of realizations and emotions that I experienced in those first few weeks.
First, the realization that my soul mate was flying halfway around the world and that he would be in danger every single day for the next nine months. Second the realization that he’d be gone for at least six months before he could come home for R & R. He’d already been away for two months, training and getting ready for deployment, and we’d only gotten to spend one week together before he left again. That week was absolutely wonderful but the shadow of his impending deployment always hung over our heads and we dreaded the looming goodbye.
I missed him already; I wondered how I can possibly get through this. Adding to the fear, worry, and sadness was the adjustment. Getting used to not talking to him all day, every day, was extremely difficult. Even when he was away before the deployment, we stayed in constant contact, through text message and phone calls. It was such a lonely feeling, not being able to call or text him whenever I felt like it. In the beginning, I would see something funny, pick up my phone to text him, and then realize that he wouldn’t receive the message. It’s similar to the adjustment one goes through following a break up, only this is without the break up.
In order to cope, I made the eight hour drive home the first two weekends. I just couldn’t spend the weekends alone in my apartment. I needed to be with my family and with his family. The second weekend I was there, Phil’s parents and I met with his former unit’s Sgt. Maj.’s wife and some of the wives of the other guys that Phil deployed with. During our lunch together, we discussed everything we’ve been going through. It felt really good to talk to others who understand exactly what I’d been experiencing. His Sgt. Maj.'s wife suggested writing in a deployment journal, not only as a way to release all of these emotions, but also as a way to share our deployment experience with our soldier. That’s what this is.
She gave us a journal to write in, but I’ve never been good at keeping a journal, and, knowing myself, I’ll probably lose it. However, I did write a few entries. Because of this and because I want to keep all of my entries in one place, I will post them below and date them accordingly and then continue on with new entries.
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