Waiting on Christmas

The end of this deployment journey is finally coming to a close, and I can’t even put into words the emotions I’m feeling. 

I am so happy and excited that soon I will finally be in the arms of the man I love again.  It still doesn’t feel real.  This has been such a long, difficult journey.  I don’t think I’ve been truly living for the past year.  I’ve just been trying to make it through each day, waiting for the days and weeks to pass.

It is hard to explain, but I haven’t let myself really feel any emotions in the past few months; I’ve just felt numb inside.   The last couple months have been really difficult, with everything that was going on over there (in Afghanistan with Phil).  I couldn’t even allow myself to cry because it hurt too bad. I was just trying to put my head down and push through to the end of this, like the last leg of a race.  Crying just hurt too much, and it hurt so bad to cry and know that when I stop crying, nothing is better.  I haven’t blogged much since his leave because I couldn’t bring myself to face the emotions I’ve been feeling.  I’ve missed Phil with every inch of my being since he left.  The thing that has stuck with me the most is saying goodbye to him after his leave, knowing that I may never look into his eyes again. 

I am so excited for what the future holds for us.  I know this experience has made me a stronger person and has cemented our relationship.  Phil and I have been together almost two years, and I still fall in love with him even more every day.  He still makes me soooo happy.  It’s that sort of fairytale love that I never knew existed before.  I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found my perfect mate.  He is my best friend.  He knows me so well and is patient and understands me like no one else does.  He is strong and a protector and provider, but is loving and caring too.  He’s just an amazing man, and I can’t wait to spend my life with him.  The day he comes home will be the happiest day of my life.  I get my true love back, and I cannot be more thankful.

I know this post is pretty generic, but I still am not ready to put the last few months into words.  I think I’ll probably continue to blog when Phil comes home because a whole new chapter of our journey will be beginning. 

Right now, I’m just feeling like a little kid waiting on Christmas.  I am so excited to be with my honey again. <3

Waiting

Deployment is a waiting game: waiting for a phone call, so I can hear his voice for the first time in weeks; waiting by the computer, hoping he’ll log in, so I can chat with him and not feel so lonely for those few minutes of the day; waiting to hear anything at all because I haven’t heard from him in days/weeks and am driving myself mad with worry; and most of all, waiting for him to come home.

 The waiting can be maddening and is definitely exhausting, but, in order to make it through, I’ve been forced to learn patience. Much of the patience, I would call “acute” because it is more of a short term thing.  It’s waiting for that next phone call, next e-mail, next IM.  However, the deployment has taught me another type of patience, a more long term type of patience, because in order to even have a chance at a future with the man I love, I had to decide to be patient and wait for him while he went away for a year. 

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   I’ve always tried to live by this verse; when I don’t know where my life is headed, I’ve always prayed for God to show me the way.  I fully believe that God has always done so too, as far as my undergraduate school, law school, and career path are concerned. 

About four years ago, because God had showed me the path so many times before, I decided to start praying for God to send me my perfect man, my husband.  I wrote down a list of all the traits and virtues that I wanted in a man because I decided that God could never answer my prayers if I didn’t even know what I was praying for.  I remember thinking at the time that there could never be one man that would have all of these qualities, but I still wrote them down and prayed every day that God would send me my perfect match.  From the time I wrote that list until I met Phil, over two years later, I did not enter into a relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, I went on dates, but it simply never felt right.  I knew that God had not sent him yet, so I kept praying and waiting. When I met Phil, something just clicked.

However, a few months into our relationship, I found out that Phil was going to be deployed (and that he volunteered to go).  Phil couldn’t really explain why he felt he needed to go, just that he did. At first, I was really hurt and angry that he’d volunteered to leave me, but then I realized that God has a plan for him too, so I went back to praying.  I was so confused.  If this was really the man that God sent for me, then why would He take him away?   Like I’d done so many times before, when I had no idea what to do, I prayed for God to show me the way. 

Then, last 4^th of July, Phil and I went to church with his mom.  It is the only time I’ve been to church in years.  When the pastor told us to open our Bible to Jeremiah 29:12,  I couldn’t believe it.  It was my verse, the verse that has led me through so much in life.  The verse that I wrote on bookmarks in every single one of my casebooks and that is hanging from the rearview mirror in my car. 

It was my verse, and I felt like the sermon that day was especially for me. It was about how sometimes we just have to be patient and God will show us our path when he’s ready, even if it means we have to work for it and be patient, that everything that God has planned for us will not come easy.   I still knew that Phil was my perfect match, so I remember telling God that I would be patient and wait.  That night, I remember telling Phil that I knew he was the man for me and that I’d be here waiting for him when he comes home. I meant it with all my heart.  He left a month later, and I’ve been here, patiently waiting ever since. 

This deployment has been worth every second of the wait because our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.  Our relationship has not been put on hold but has continued to grow and been made stronger through this trial.  Phil is God’s plan for me, but this deployment had taught me not to take that for granted.  I feel like God has shown me the way, and I just have to continue to work for it and be patient, praying for the strength to make it through. 

Winding Down

This deployment is finally winding down. 

People keep telling me and it’s good to know that we don’t have to go through this too much longer, but it still doesn’t help make things better right now. The missing him is still there every day, and I long to be with him every single day.  It’s not like a simple “I miss him.”  It’s a deep longing to be with him.  It comes from deep down in my heart.  I miss everything about being with him.  I miss the simple things like the sparkle in his eyes when he laughs and the softness of his hair when he watches TV with his head in my lap. I miss the way we laugh and joke around when we ride around in his truck, listening to music and the way we always have so much fun together when we’re in the kitchen and he’s cooking amazing meals for me.  I miss going to the gym with him and even going to the grocery store with him.  We always have so much fun together and I can’t wait to be able to laugh and smile again, like we did before he left.  I especially can’t wait to feel his strong arms around me again and to kiss him again.  The longing is always there and it won’t be better until I see him step off the escalator at the airport and he envelopes me in a big hug. 

Although the longing is always there, it’s sad to say, but I’ve gotten used to it.  I’ve gotten used to being sad and missing him.  I still have my bad days, where I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I wonder how my heart can possibly make it through another few months of this.  Those days don’t happen as often as before, but they are still pretty awful.  On those days, I pray for God to bring me peace and give me the strength to be ok, so that I can support Phil like he needs me to.  I say that I wonder how I can make it, but it’s not like there was ever any choice for me.  This is only so painful because I love Phil so much.  Nothing will make that better, other than him being home with me again.  Until then, I can only continue to pray for peace and strength.   I can only continue to ask for God to bring Phillip and the other guys peace and strength, to wrap His arms around them and protect them and to give them the guidance to make the right decisions when they only have a second to react.  All I can do is continue to support and love Phil and put the rest in God’s hands. 

That faith has helped me get through this, so far.  It’s becoming more and more difficult to just have faith and not worry too much, though.  Spring, when it warms up there, is when the Taliban becomes active again.  This knowledge makes it so much more difficult for me to fall asleep at night.  Afghanistan is eight and a half hours ahead of us, so when I should be going to sleep, they guys are just getting ready to start their day.  On the days that I know they’re going outside the wire (leaving the base), I really worry because I know they’re going to be in a lot of danger.  That’s another reason I say that it doesn’t help to know that this deployment is winding down.

The deployment is not the only thing that’s winding down right now, though.  My semester is almost over too.  As of today, I have taken three exams and have two more to go.  My exam schedule was awful this semester.  It is probably the most rigorous exam schedule I’ve had so far in law school.  I have literally been studying non-stop for the past two and a half weeks.  I’ve even pulled a few all-nighters.  At this point, I’m pretty exhausted, but I just need to push through. I want to do well.  I never want to disappoint Phil.

 He’s been so encouraging.  Every semester, he knows I get really stressed out, but he always tells me how smart I am and how he knows I can do it.  Phil even went online one day and ordered my favorite pizza and diet coke because he knew I’d be home studying all day.  It was so sweet of him.  It makes me feel really good to know that he believes in me because, honestly, sometimes, I don’t believe in myself. 

Law school is difficult enough on its own, and deployment is infinitely more difficult than law school, but in a different way.  Trying to get through them both at the same time, threatens to break me sometimes.  For example, on the days when I feel like my heart has been ripped out and all I want to do is lie in my bed and do nothing, I still have to focus and study for 8-12 hours that day.  Law school doesn’t care that your heart has been ripped out, and the deployment doesn’t care if you need to focus and be productive, rather than be depressed and worried.  During my exams, sometimes I have to catch myself, and intentionally push all thoughts of the deployment out of my head.  I’m so glad this semester is almost over, so I can have a little R&R before the summer semester begins. 

Operation: Get Hot is winding down too. J  Right now, I’m four pounds away from my ultimate goal weight.  My final goal weight is five pounds lighter than my goal weight was for Phil’s R&R in February, (which I met).  However, during his R&R, I gained four pounds back. When he left again, I had nine pounds to lose.  I’ve lost a total of 17 pounds since August, when Phil left the first time, but when he left, I was already at a healthy weight for my height.  I have really just been trying to lose “vanity pounds.”  They are sooooo difficult to lose.  I’ve been doing SlimFast and working out four to five times a week, but it’s still taking me forever to lose this weight.  Although I’ve only lost 17 pounds, I’ve lost six inches in my waist and four in my hips.  I’m very proud of my success because I’m finally down to the weight I was before I started law school, and I’m in much better shape now.  I still have a few months to go, so I’m just going to continue dieting and working out.  I know Phil will think I’m beautiful, regardless, but I just want to feel beautiful too. 

I can’t wait for this to be over, so we can continue our life together.  I’m just going to continue loving and supporting Phil, like he needs me to.  I’m going to continue being strong and praying every day, while the rest of this deployment winds down. 

Pressure

Spring break is over, and finals are in a month.  Time is slowly marching by.  I still haven’t felt much like blogging.   I haven’t felt much like doing anything.   I’m ok, but the pressure of the deployment is starting to get to me.

Ever since Phil’s leave, I haven’t felt much like doing anything.  I mean, I still do what I need to, as far as my school work is concerned, but I haven’t felt much like doing much more.  It’s been really difficult to stay motivated to study and work out; although I still make myself do both.  I don’t know what my problem is, but I’m finding it harder and harder to keep it together.  This deployment is so emotionally exhausting that as time goes by, I’m finding that it takes so much more energy to just preserve my peace of mind.

I don’t know which is more difficult, the first half of the deployment or this second half.   The beginning of the deployment was difficult because it was so new.  I had no idea what to expect, and it was really difficult to adjust to.  I cried myself to sleep almost every night for the first few months.  Now that time has passed, I don’t cry nearly as often.  I’ve grown used to the ever-present sadness, loneliness, and anxiety that I’ve felt since the deployment began.  I’ve grown used to the ache in my heart that comes from Phil being in Afghanistan.  The pain is there every second of every day, but I’ve learned how to make it through most days without tears.  I don’t really know if that is a good thing or not.   

The pressure of the deployment never goes away.  It’s always there, no matter what I’m doing.  It’s exhausting.  When Phil was here on leave, that pressure was gone for two weeks.  It was great to be with him and not have to worry about him every day.  For those two weeks I felt like myself again.  It’s hard to explain, but I felt like I could actually really smile.   When he’s gone, I smile, but the pain in my heart is always there behind the smile.  When Phil was home, my smile was free of that pain. It was unrestrained. It was genuine.  That might not make sense, but I can’t think of another way to explain it.  Now that Phil is back overseas, that pressure is back, full force, and I’m finding that it’s taking so much more energy just to be ok. 

I miss Phil so much that when I think about him, I can almost feel his arms around me.  There are no words to explain how badly I want him to be here with me.  A few months does not sound like a long time, but it seems like forever right now.  I can’t wait to be in his arms again.  I can’t wait for him to be home and the pressure to be lifted.  I can’t wait to smile again.

I’ll be ok.  I just need to remember to pray for my strength and for my peace of mind.  Sometimes I pray so much for Phil that I forget to pray for myself.   God will get us through this deployment, so that we can continue our life together. 

Life Since Leave

These few weeks since Phil left have been so difficult.

I miss him so much!  During the 2 weeks he was here, it was so nice to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms every morning.  I felt so safe, confortable, and loved.  I miss it when he squeezes me closer to him at night.  I miss looking into his sparkling blue eyes.  I miss hearing his laugh and joking around with him.  We had such an amazing time together. 

It’s so lonely without him, now.  I think about him every waking hour, and I dream about him most nights.  We had such a great time together that it’s hard to think about how long we have to wait to continue those good times and pick up where we left off.  He should be home mid-summer, but it feels like its forever away.  My heart hurts every day that he’s not here with me. 

The only thing that temporarily relieves the pain is when I talk to him.  I use the term “talk” loosely, because I haven’t actually heard his voice in over a week.  For the last week he’s been at the OP.  That means that he’s been up on a mountain, with no electricity or water and going to the bathroom in a box.  They can’t shower, and they are out in the elements for much of the day, every day. Last week was particularly bad for them because the temperature up on the mountain was in the 30’s, and it was rainy, windy, and foggy. It’s miserable for them.  I hate when he has to go up there because I know how miserable he must be, and I feel guilty for being here, with the amazing weather, doing normal things like going to school or the gym.  Usually, I don’t hear from him the entire time he is at the OP, and usually I’m miserable the entire time.  It is so difficult to not hear from him for so long and not knowing if he’s alright. Plus, I miss him like crazy.  The only thing that made last week bearable was the fact that he and I were able to communicate the entire time.

His buddy went on leave and let Phil borrow his international cell phone while he’s gone.  Before Phil went up to the OP he put $50 worth of phone cards on the phone.  We were able to text back and forth all week.  It was such a relief to be able to talk to him.  I think it helped him to be able to talk to me too.  We had to ration his last few texts for the last few days he was up there, but it was still good to hear from him. 

This deployment is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life, at the most difficult time of my life (law school).  It is a struggle every single day, but I am kind of thankful for it.  It has brought Phil and me so much closer together.  It’s hard to describe, but we are simply perfect for each other.   Everything about our relationship is perfect and I wouldn’t change anything about it.  That is amazing to me because we have managed to grow in our relationship even though he’s been halfway around the world for half of our relationship.  We just understand each other.  We have so much fun together.  We are patient with each other.  We just love each other.  It is great. 

One of the hardest things about this deployment for me before was thinking that our relationship would be put on hold until Phil comes home. When he left last summer,  I didn’t know where our relationship stood or if he would ever want to marry me.  That was scary for me because I’m 26.  I’ll be almost 27 when he gets back.  It was scary to put my life on hold for a relationship, when I didn’t even know if we had a future.  Phil and I weren’t really at the point to even discuss marriage when he left.  We’d only been together eight months and I’m sure he didn’t know if I was even going to stick around.  I mean, a lot of women do leave their soldier during deployment.  I never had any intention of doing that, but I’m sure he wondered if I would be like those women.  One thing I’ve always known is that I love him and he’s everything I ever wanted in a man. I couldn’t imagine my life without Phil.   I felt like God answered my prayers, when he put Phil in my life, so I knew I’d just have to be patient and follow the path that God has laid out for me.  It’s not always easy to get what you want in life.

Since Phil’s leave, all of my questions have been answered.  I know now, that our relationship was never put on hold.  It has only continued to grow and mature.  We trust each other so much more, and our love has been tested, not only by the time and distance between us, but also the difficult things that we have gone through together during the deployment.  Our relationship has only gotten stronger through this.  Now, we are both sure that our future will be together. 

I guess that’s why it’s been so much more difficult since Phil’s leave.  We are both so excited to be together again so that we can build our life together.

Leave

So, Phil’s leave is over, and I’m back to blogging.

We had an absolutely wonderful time!  It was better than I could have ever imagined. 

When Phil’s family and I went to pick him up at the airport, I was so nervous.  We had to wait a few hours at the airport for him because they got in later than expected.  As we stood there, waiting, I grew more and more nervous.  I was really excited, but I was nervous about seeing him for the first time in four months.  I don’t really know what I was nervous about.  When he came up the escalator, I couldn’t even manage to get any words out.  We just hugged and kissed.  It was the best hug and kiss I’ve ever had.  It felt so good to be in his arms again.  My heart was bursting with happiness.

Over the next two weeks, we had the most amazing time together.  Being together felt so natural, and we were both so happy to be back together again.  The first night, we stayed at his parents’ house and his dad cooked dinner, but we were both so exhausted that we went to sleep before it was even ready.  The following day, he and I drove up to a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  The cabin was absolutely beautiful, and we had a great time together.  His family came up the second night and stayed for the following two nights.  He and I had a great time, but he was so jetlagged that he slept a lot those first few days.   Additionally, some things happened back at the FOB with some of his buddies, so he was pretty upset about it.  He needed a lot of time to himself, which I gave him.  It made me really sad to see him upset, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it besides give him some time to himself.    I think his family thought he was upset because of something I’d done, but that wasn’t the case.  He talked to me about it, but they probably still don’t know what was really going on.  Nevertheless, he and I had an amazing time together at the cabin.  I loved it.

After we all left the cabin, he and I drove to Athens to go to a gun store.  He had an itch to get a new gun, so throughout the next few days we went to a gun store every single day, sometimes twice a day.   His brother left for Navy boot camp during Phil’s leave, so before he left, he, Phil’s dad, Phil and I all went shooting at the range.  It was only my second time shooting a gun, but I did pretty well.  Phil wanted me to shoot his .357 Smith & Wesson snub-nose revolver because he wanted me to take it back home with me for personal protection.  I shot 50 rounds through that gun.  It was not a fun gun to shoot because of the recoil.  By the time I was done, my hand was bruised and swollen, but I did pretty well. 

Phil and I went to the range a few days later.  This time I did not shoot the .357.  This time, I mainly shot his new .9mm Sig.  I loved it.  It’s a heavier gun and a smaller caliber, so it was a really fun gun to shoot.  I did pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.  I also shot Phil’s M-4 for the first time.  I did awesome!  The target was about ¾ down the lane, and all of my shots were grouped around the bull’s eye.  I even got one shot right through the bull’s eye!  I loved it, and Phil was definitely proud of me. J  I can’t wait til he comes home, so we can go to the range again.



My First M-4 Target



Additionally, during his leave, Phil got us a hotel room in downtown Atlanta.  We were there three nights and had the best time together.  It was a beautiful, upscale hotel.  While we were there, we went to nice restaurants and bars and just enjoyed each other’s company.  I was so happy that we got to spend time alone together.  Just being  alone together was wonderful.  I can’t even explain how happy we were. 

Most of the remaining days of his leave, we spent going to the gym, shopping, running errands, and just enjoying each other’s company.  I know I’ve said it many times, but we were so happy just being together.  The time we spent during Phil’s leave was better than I could have ever imagined, and I am even more in love with him than I ever thought possible.

Before, I loved him so much that I thought it was impossible to love him more, but during Phil’s leave, I fell even more in love with him.  Being together just felt natural and good.  He is such a good man and treats me so well.  He is so sweet to me and is everything and more than I could have ever wanted or looked for in a man.  Our relationship has always been strong, but it is so much stronger now.  This deployment has taught us so many things about what is really important.  The main thing it has taught us is to cherish and enjoy every second we have together.   I think I speak for us both when I say that our love is forever. 

We fell so much more in love with each other during his leave that saying goodbye was so much more difficult than when he left last time.  It was heartbreaking for us both.  Neither of us wanted our time together to end, and we missed each other from the moment he left.  It was so difficult knowing that we wouldn’t be together again for four more months.  Four months doesn’t seem like a long time, but it seems like forever when you’re missing your other half every second of every day.  The only thing that makes it better is knowing that our relationship is so much stronger now.  Just thinking about the love we have makes me feel good inside.

 Valentine’s Day was this week, and it was sad to not have him here with me.  Even though he was in transit back to Afghanistan, he managed to send me the most beautiful flowers.  I put them in my bedroom, and the smell of them reminds me of him and makes me smile.  With the flowers, Phil sent the sweetest note ever.  It made my week, and whenever I’m missing him, I look at the note and it makes me smile again.  I love him so much. 

Now, I’m just trying to get back into the swing of things.  I have a lot of school work to catch up on, and I’m definitely not used to waking up so early.  I was exhausted all week and didn’t work out all week until today.   On top of trying to get used to being back in school, I am still trying to get over the sadness of saying goodbye to Phil again.  The first few days were a huge adjustment.  I got used to being with him during his leave, so it was so sad to not have him here with me.  I don’t know if anyone can understand the heartache that we go through when our soldier leaves.  I was so upset that my stomach was not right for days after Phil left.  What’s worse is that Phil was so sad and lonely too.  Traveling back to Afghanistan alone is so difficult and lonely for the guys, especially after being home with loved ones.  I just wished I could do something to make it better for him.  I’m sad that Phil is gone, but I’m definitely glad he’s back with his buddies, instead of alone in transit. 

These next few months are going to be difficult, but I know we’ll make it through them.  Our relationship is once in a lifetime, and I can’t wait to have him back again so we can continue our life together.  J

:-)

Not sad anymore. J

Phil and I chatted on Facebook this morning.  He had a long mission today and didn’t get back until late.  He read my blog post from yesterday, so we talked about the phone thing.  I told him that I would never give him an ultimatum or break up with him for not calling very often, that I’m just afraid that we’ll drift apart.  I want our relationship to stay strong because we do have such a good relationship, and I never want to lose him.  I feel much better now. 

We had a really good conversation.  I am so excited for his leave.  He’ll be home in nine days.  We talked about everything we’re going to do on his leave.   We’re going to stay in the cabin in the mountains for three days.  He says the cabin is nicer than the one that we stayed in during his last leave.  The one we stayed in last time was in Gatlinburg and it was absolutely beautiful, with a hot tub, game tables, beautiful views, etc.  I don’t know how anything can be better than that, but I’m definitely excited to see the one he picked out.  Phil is the type of person who will stay in the nicest place possible, even if that means paying a little extra money.  I love that about him.  He works hard to get what he wants. 

I have a lot to do to prepare for his leave, nail appointment, tanning, gym, waxing, shopping, etc.  I still have not decided what I’m going to wear to meet him at the airport.  I’m thinking I’ll wear a sexy sweater dress with some boots, but I’m not sure.  I guess I need to go shopping today and see what I can find.  I’m so excited. 

I’m glad we talked about everything.  I feel a lot better now.  Now, just counting down the days until he’s home and I can hold him again.  J

Sad

Phil comes home for leave soon, and I couldn’t be more excited.  I was sad today, though.

I don’t really know why I was sad today.  There really was no particular reason for my feeling down.

This morning, I woke up in a start because I had a bad dream about rats.  It’s random, I know.  I guess I shouldn’t read the news anymore before I go to bed.  Last night I read a weird news article about an inmate suing a jail because a rat bit his penis.  Anyways, my bad dream about rats is what startled me awake this morning. 

As soon as I woke up, I was STARVING.  I’m still doing the SlimFast diet, so I drank one of their shakes.  It did not help with my hunger. I guess I was extra hungry because I went to the gym two times yesterday, for a total of three hours.   Whatever the reason, I was starving and not being able to eat kind of put me in a grouchy mood.  After I drank the shake, Phil logged into Facebook and we chatted for a while. 

It was not the best conversation.  Usually, we have great conversations, even since he’s been deployed.  Today, he seemed a little distant.  I don’t know if anything happened there that upset him, but he just didn’t seem like himself.  I try not to pressure him to talk about things if he doesn’t want to, and I try not to take it personally if he’s not in the best mood. 

At one point, I asked him if he’d call me before I see him next week.  He hasn’t called since New Years.  He said he hasn’t felt much like talking lately.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me or miss me, and all the other girls regularly talk with their soldiers.  He responded that most of the other guys have never been deployed and are calling to try and make it seem like they’re home.  He said that they don’t understand that everyone’s life goes on while they’re away, and they’ll have a rude awakening when they get back.

I just don’t understand that reasoning, and it makes me sad.  I feel like he doesn’t miss me because he thinks that calling me is trying to make it seem like he’s here.  It makes me feel like he doesn’t miss me and it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be a part of my life. I just don’t understand. 

It scares me because I don’t know how long this relationship can last if he never calls me.  That’s a scary thing to acknowledge, and it’s scary to say.    Phil is everything I’ve ever wanted and he’s so good to me.  I do not want to lose him.  He’s my world.   I don’t know what to do at this point.  I mean, I’ve told him that I want him to call more often, that it hurts that he doesn’t.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or miss me.  So, now I either need to just accept it or not.  He’ll be home soon, so I guess I need to just put it aside, for the time being.  I just don’t know what to do…..

I guess that’s why I’m sad today. L

Success!

School started this week, and it’s been a pretty good week, all in all.

Phil comes home in 11 days!!!  I AM SO EXCITED!!! I just cannot wait to put my arms around him again and feel his arms around me.  We’re planning on getting a cabin for a few days in the North Georgia mountains.  It’s just going to be the two of us for the first few days and then his family is going to come up for a night.  It’s going to be so nice to spend time with him alone, enjoying each other’s company.  I have missed him so much. 

I’ve been working so hard since he’s been gone.  I just wanted to make him proud and show him that I can be strong and not fall apart without him here.  He has enough to worry about there, so I need him to know that he does not need to worry about me too, that I can be the strong woman he needs.  When he left, I threw myself into school and into getting in shape.

 I finally got my grades back for last semester.  It was my best semester yet.  J  I would have liked to do better, but considering all the things I had to deal with this semester and how many classes I took (16 hours), I’m pretty proud of myself.  Saying goodbye to Phil was THE most difficult thing I’ve ever done.  It was heartbreaking to look into his eyes and kiss him goodbye, knowing that I may never have the chance to do that again.  It’s something that none of us like to think or talk about, but the reality is that when we say our goodbyes, we don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again.  After Phil left, I was an emotional wreck.  I felt like I was on the verge of tears, every second.  All I wanted to do was stay home and cry, but I couldn’t because of school.  I went to class every day and put on a happy face, even though, inside, I felt crippled.  I wanted to do well in school, though, so I bucked down and got it done.  I’m really proud of myself for that.   Additionally, I’m proud of my success with Operation: Get Hot.

When Phil left for training in August, I was the heaviest that I have been in about three years.  I gained 15 pounds the first semester of law school, so when we started dating I was feeling pretty disgusting.  That was about a year ago.  Since then, I have been battling, trying to get back to the weight that I was before law school.  I’d lose a few pounds during each semester, and then finals would come along, and I’d spend all my time studying, snacking, and not working out.  Each semester, during finals, I gained back the weight I’d lost.  Well, last semester, I broke that cycle.  When Phil left, I made the goal to lose 15- 20 pounds.  It was a huge battle for me because in September, I broke my arm and strained the ligaments in my wrist.  I couldn’t work out for almost two months.  However, in November, I got back to working out.  As of now, I have lost 14 pounds.  I started the SlimFast diet this week.  I hope I can lose a few more in the next 11 days.  I only have one pound to go to reach my pre-law school weight, but I’d like to lose a total of seven more.  The last ten pounds, vanity pounds, are supposedly the most difficult to lose, though.  Even if I don’t lose any more, I’m still proud of losing 14 pounds.  It doesn’t seem like much, but it was not easy.    I hope Phil thinks I’m HOTTT when he sees me. J

I only have 11 more days of waiting.  I hope it goes by quickly!  J 

Just A Dream

Yesterday I made the 8 hour drive back home and listened to the radio the entire time.  I broke down crying about four times during the trip because of the songs that played on the country music stations that I listen to.  Phil has been at an OP for a little over a week, and I haven’t heard from him since New Year’s.  I know he’s ok because some of the wives of the guys in his squad have spoken with their husbands. Their husbands have international cell phones, so they can call even when they’re up in the mountains at the OP.  It’s good to know he’s alright because it helps me not worry so much, but I still miss him like crazy and wonder whether he’s ok.  I try to be strong, but when I hear these songs on the radio about soldiers not coming home, I just break down.  The worst one is a Carrie Underwood song called, “Just A Dream.”

It’s the same song that made me break down on the way to school when Phil first left, and I hadn’t heard it again until yesterday.  I heard it again today too.  It starts out with a girl going to the church with her wedding dress on.  She’s got something borrowed, something blue, and then she puts her veil down.  That’s all fine and good; the listener thinks the girl is at the church for her wedding, but no.  The song goes on to say that [the groom] is never coming home, and then the trumpets from the military band begin to play and they hand her the folded flag.  She holds on to it because it’s all that she has left of him and what could have been.  Then the guns ring one last shot and it feels like a bullet in her heart.  The chorus of the song is heartbreaking.  It says, “Why’d you have to leave me?  Why’d you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know.”  The song closes by saying, “Everybody’s saying he’s not coming home now.  This can’t be happening to me.  This is just a dream.” 

While it is a beautiful song, it is my WORST nightmare.  I’ve never made it through the whole song because by the beginning of the first chorus, I am sobbing.  I actually had to Google the lyrics to be able to actually write about the song here, and yes, reading them made me break down too.  It’s such a horribly sad reality for so many loved ones of the soldiers who never came home.  It’s heartbreaking. 

I’ve been so worried about Phil all week that this song was the last thing I need to hear.  I can’t even imagine being in that situation, and right now, I’d give anything to be able to see him and touch him again.  I’d give anything to look into his caring blue eyes, and to run my fingers through his short dark hair.  I’d give anything to feel his arms around me and to hear his joyful laugh.   There is not a moment that goes by in the day when I do not think of him.  Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go I see other couples together, laughing, hugging, and holding hands. It makes me so sad and lonely, and jealous, in a way.  I just wish they knew what a luxury it is to be with the one you love. 

Since Phil left, I feel like I’m just going through the motions.  I go to school. I study.  I run errands. I go to the gym.  Life goes on, even though Phil is away, and I still have to do these things, although many days I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing.  Even when I’m with friends and family, having a good time, it’s still not the best time because a part of me is still there, lonely, sad, and wishing Phil were here.  It’s hard to describe it, other than just going through the motions. 

I keep trying to cheer myself up by reminding myself that Phil will be home for leave in two weeks.  It doesn’t make it better now, though, because I haven’t heard from him in a week.  Once I hear from him, it will be ok again, but now, it just sucks. 

Since I only have two weeks left to prepare for Phil’s leave, I’ve decided to start doing the SlimFast diet.  It basically consists of two shakes/meal bars per day, one healthy meal (under 500 calories), and three healthy snacks.  It’s definitely going to be difficult, but I figure I can handle it for at least two weeks.  I really want to look beautiful for Phil when he comes home.   He’s never seen me this thin or in shape.  We started dating after my first semester of law school, and I was 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started law school.  I was feeling so fat and disgusting, but he still thought I was beautiful and sexy.  He made me feel so good about myself.  That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He always makes me feel beautiful.  Anyways, I know that he’ll think I’m beautiful regardless, but I still want to be my best for him.  He deserves it.  He’s so good to me.

He was up at the OP on our anniversary, but he somehow managed to send me a dozen red roses and some chocolates.  His note made me cry.  It was so sweet.  I don’t know if he ordered the flowers before he left or if he ordered them while he was there, but either way, it was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me.  He really does make me fall more and more in love with him every day.

I hope I hear from him soon.  I guess his squad got back from the OP today, but the phones and internet were down so I didn’t hear from him.  I’m so glad they’re back from the OP.  At least, I don’t have to worry about that for now.  I just wish I could hear his voice. 

Hopefully, I’ll hear from him tomorrow, and hopefully, these next two weeks will fly by.  We’ll be together again soon.   J

Not So Happy Holidays

I haven’t felt much like blogging lately.

This holiday season was really rough.  I’m so glad I was home with my family.  Being home made it a little better, but it was still a sad time for me.  I miss Phil so much.  We started dating this time last year, so the memories of last year were always on my mind and I missed spending my winter break with him.  I just remember how happy I was with Phil last year. 

I spent a lot of time with my family and Phil’s family.  Being with my family is different, though, because no matter how hard they try to understand, I can’t help but feel like they just don’t.  It’s difficult.  It’s hard to be strong all the time, when so many days, I feel like I’m on the verge of tears every second.  I try to put it to the back of my mind, but some days it’s impossible.

New Years was the roughest day so far.  It was so sad to be without Phil and he’s been at an OP for the past week, so I hadn’t heard from him in a few days.  I went to a country concert at a bar with my mom and her friends for New Year’s Eve.  I did not have a good time, though.  I was sad and didn’t want to affect anyone else’s fun.  They just don’t understand how hard it is.  During the countdown, I went to the bathroom and cried.  I just couldn’t watch all those other couples kissing at midnight.  It was so sad and lonely.  On top of missing Phil because of New Years, I was sad because New Year’s day was our anniversary.  We’d been dating since December, but we officially got together on New Year’s day last year.  I miss Phil so much.  He makes me so happy. 

Christmas was, surprisingly, not too bad.  Phil called me Christmas morning and we talked for a while.  I opened my gifts from him while we were on the phone.  He’s so sweet.  He sent me some perfume, clothes from Express (my favorite store, and some clothes from Victoria’s Secret.  I love the gifts he sent me.  He’s always so thoughtful.  I spent Christmas morning with my family and went over to his parents’ house in the evening.  We had a good time, although it was bittersweet.  We were all really missing Phil.  I was especially sad when it started snowing that night.  We had the first white Christmas in a hundred years and Phil wasn’t here to see it.  L

Since Christmas, I’ve spent my days at the gym, mainly.  I’ve been going to the gym twice a day to try to get in shape.  Phil’s leave is going to be earlier than it was supposed to be. J He’s coming home at the end of January instead of in February because his brother is leaving for Navy boot camp at the beginning of February, and Phil didn’t want to miss seeing him.  One of the guys in Phil’s squad switched his leave dates with Phil.  That was really nice of him, and I hope he and his wife know how much we appreciate it. I thanked both of them on Facebook, and they said they are happy they could help. 

Phil is still at the OP, but he managed to text me on New Year’s eve from someone else’s phone.  That was sweet of him.  I haven’t heard from him since.  I just want to hear from him soon.  I miss him so much. 

I will be driving back to school at the end of the week.  I’m not ready.  I don’t want to go back at all.  I just don’t feel like doing anything, but I know it will help to see all my friends there.  Everyone is really supportive at school.  It helps a lot.  I just have to keep reminding myself that Phil will be back for leave in just a few weeks.   Everything will be ok.