Sad

Phil comes home for leave soon, and I couldn’t be more excited.  I was sad today, though.

I don’t really know why I was sad today.  There really was no particular reason for my feeling down.

This morning, I woke up in a start because I had a bad dream about rats.  It’s random, I know.  I guess I shouldn’t read the news anymore before I go to bed.  Last night I read a weird news article about an inmate suing a jail because a rat bit his penis.  Anyways, my bad dream about rats is what startled me awake this morning. 

As soon as I woke up, I was STARVING.  I’m still doing the SlimFast diet, so I drank one of their shakes.  It did not help with my hunger. I guess I was extra hungry because I went to the gym two times yesterday, for a total of three hours.   Whatever the reason, I was starving and not being able to eat kind of put me in a grouchy mood.  After I drank the shake, Phil logged into Facebook and we chatted for a while. 

It was not the best conversation.  Usually, we have great conversations, even since he’s been deployed.  Today, he seemed a little distant.  I don’t know if anything happened there that upset him, but he just didn’t seem like himself.  I try not to pressure him to talk about things if he doesn’t want to, and I try not to take it personally if he’s not in the best mood. 

At one point, I asked him if he’d call me before I see him next week.  He hasn’t called since New Years.  He said he hasn’t felt much like talking lately.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me or miss me, and all the other girls regularly talk with their soldiers.  He responded that most of the other guys have never been deployed and are calling to try and make it seem like they’re home.  He said that they don’t understand that everyone’s life goes on while they’re away, and they’ll have a rude awakening when they get back.

I just don’t understand that reasoning, and it makes me sad.  I feel like he doesn’t miss me because he thinks that calling me is trying to make it seem like he’s here.  It makes me feel like he doesn’t miss me and it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be a part of my life. I just don’t understand. 

It scares me because I don’t know how long this relationship can last if he never calls me.  That’s a scary thing to acknowledge, and it’s scary to say.    Phil is everything I’ve ever wanted and he’s so good to me.  I do not want to lose him.  He’s my world.   I don’t know what to do at this point.  I mean, I’ve told him that I want him to call more often, that it hurts that he doesn’t.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or miss me.  So, now I either need to just accept it or not.  He’ll be home soon, so I guess I need to just put it aside, for the time being.  I just don’t know what to do…..

I guess that’s why I’m sad today. L