:-)

Not sad anymore. J

Phil and I chatted on Facebook this morning.  He had a long mission today and didn’t get back until late.  He read my blog post from yesterday, so we talked about the phone thing.  I told him that I would never give him an ultimatum or break up with him for not calling very often, that I’m just afraid that we’ll drift apart.  I want our relationship to stay strong because we do have such a good relationship, and I never want to lose him.  I feel much better now. 

We had a really good conversation.  I am so excited for his leave.  He’ll be home in nine days.  We talked about everything we’re going to do on his leave.   We’re going to stay in the cabin in the mountains for three days.  He says the cabin is nicer than the one that we stayed in during his last leave.  The one we stayed in last time was in Gatlinburg and it was absolutely beautiful, with a hot tub, game tables, beautiful views, etc.  I don’t know how anything can be better than that, but I’m definitely excited to see the one he picked out.  Phil is the type of person who will stay in the nicest place possible, even if that means paying a little extra money.  I love that about him.  He works hard to get what he wants. 

I have a lot to do to prepare for his leave, nail appointment, tanning, gym, waxing, shopping, etc.  I still have not decided what I’m going to wear to meet him at the airport.  I’m thinking I’ll wear a sexy sweater dress with some boots, but I’m not sure.  I guess I need to go shopping today and see what I can find.  I’m so excited. 

I’m glad we talked about everything.  I feel a lot better now.  Now, just counting down the days until he’s home and I can hold him again.  J

Sad

Phil comes home for leave soon, and I couldn’t be more excited.  I was sad today, though.

I don’t really know why I was sad today.  There really was no particular reason for my feeling down.

This morning, I woke up in a start because I had a bad dream about rats.  It’s random, I know.  I guess I shouldn’t read the news anymore before I go to bed.  Last night I read a weird news article about an inmate suing a jail because a rat bit his penis.  Anyways, my bad dream about rats is what startled me awake this morning. 

As soon as I woke up, I was STARVING.  I’m still doing the SlimFast diet, so I drank one of their shakes.  It did not help with my hunger. I guess I was extra hungry because I went to the gym two times yesterday, for a total of three hours.   Whatever the reason, I was starving and not being able to eat kind of put me in a grouchy mood.  After I drank the shake, Phil logged into Facebook and we chatted for a while. 

It was not the best conversation.  Usually, we have great conversations, even since he’s been deployed.  Today, he seemed a little distant.  I don’t know if anything happened there that upset him, but he just didn’t seem like himself.  I try not to pressure him to talk about things if he doesn’t want to, and I try not to take it personally if he’s not in the best mood. 

At one point, I asked him if he’d call me before I see him next week.  He hasn’t called since New Years.  He said he hasn’t felt much like talking lately.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me or miss me, and all the other girls regularly talk with their soldiers.  He responded that most of the other guys have never been deployed and are calling to try and make it seem like they’re home.  He said that they don’t understand that everyone’s life goes on while they’re away, and they’ll have a rude awakening when they get back.

I just don’t understand that reasoning, and it makes me sad.  I feel like he doesn’t miss me because he thinks that calling me is trying to make it seem like he’s here.  It makes me feel like he doesn’t miss me and it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be a part of my life. I just don’t understand. 

It scares me because I don’t know how long this relationship can last if he never calls me.  That’s a scary thing to acknowledge, and it’s scary to say.    Phil is everything I’ve ever wanted and he’s so good to me.  I do not want to lose him.  He’s my world.   I don’t know what to do at this point.  I mean, I’ve told him that I want him to call more often, that it hurts that he doesn’t.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or miss me.  So, now I either need to just accept it or not.  He’ll be home soon, so I guess I need to just put it aside, for the time being.  I just don’t know what to do…..

I guess that’s why I’m sad today. L

Success!

School started this week, and it’s been a pretty good week, all in all.

Phil comes home in 11 days!!!  I AM SO EXCITED!!! I just cannot wait to put my arms around him again and feel his arms around me.  We’re planning on getting a cabin for a few days in the North Georgia mountains.  It’s just going to be the two of us for the first few days and then his family is going to come up for a night.  It’s going to be so nice to spend time with him alone, enjoying each other’s company.  I have missed him so much. 

I’ve been working so hard since he’s been gone.  I just wanted to make him proud and show him that I can be strong and not fall apart without him here.  He has enough to worry about there, so I need him to know that he does not need to worry about me too, that I can be the strong woman he needs.  When he left, I threw myself into school and into getting in shape.

 I finally got my grades back for last semester.  It was my best semester yet.  J  I would have liked to do better, but considering all the things I had to deal with this semester and how many classes I took (16 hours), I’m pretty proud of myself.  Saying goodbye to Phil was THE most difficult thing I’ve ever done.  It was heartbreaking to look into his eyes and kiss him goodbye, knowing that I may never have the chance to do that again.  It’s something that none of us like to think or talk about, but the reality is that when we say our goodbyes, we don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again.  After Phil left, I was an emotional wreck.  I felt like I was on the verge of tears, every second.  All I wanted to do was stay home and cry, but I couldn’t because of school.  I went to class every day and put on a happy face, even though, inside, I felt crippled.  I wanted to do well in school, though, so I bucked down and got it done.  I’m really proud of myself for that.   Additionally, I’m proud of my success with Operation: Get Hot.

When Phil left for training in August, I was the heaviest that I have been in about three years.  I gained 15 pounds the first semester of law school, so when we started dating I was feeling pretty disgusting.  That was about a year ago.  Since then, I have been battling, trying to get back to the weight that I was before law school.  I’d lose a few pounds during each semester, and then finals would come along, and I’d spend all my time studying, snacking, and not working out.  Each semester, during finals, I gained back the weight I’d lost.  Well, last semester, I broke that cycle.  When Phil left, I made the goal to lose 15- 20 pounds.  It was a huge battle for me because in September, I broke my arm and strained the ligaments in my wrist.  I couldn’t work out for almost two months.  However, in November, I got back to working out.  As of now, I have lost 14 pounds.  I started the SlimFast diet this week.  I hope I can lose a few more in the next 11 days.  I only have one pound to go to reach my pre-law school weight, but I’d like to lose a total of seven more.  The last ten pounds, vanity pounds, are supposedly the most difficult to lose, though.  Even if I don’t lose any more, I’m still proud of losing 14 pounds.  It doesn’t seem like much, but it was not easy.    I hope Phil thinks I’m HOTTT when he sees me. J

I only have 11 more days of waiting.  I hope it goes by quickly!  J 

Just A Dream

Yesterday I made the 8 hour drive back home and listened to the radio the entire time.  I broke down crying about four times during the trip because of the songs that played on the country music stations that I listen to.  Phil has been at an OP for a little over a week, and I haven’t heard from him since New Year’s.  I know he’s ok because some of the wives of the guys in his squad have spoken with their husbands. Their husbands have international cell phones, so they can call even when they’re up in the mountains at the OP.  It’s good to know he’s alright because it helps me not worry so much, but I still miss him like crazy and wonder whether he’s ok.  I try to be strong, but when I hear these songs on the radio about soldiers not coming home, I just break down.  The worst one is a Carrie Underwood song called, “Just A Dream.”

It’s the same song that made me break down on the way to school when Phil first left, and I hadn’t heard it again until yesterday.  I heard it again today too.  It starts out with a girl going to the church with her wedding dress on.  She’s got something borrowed, something blue, and then she puts her veil down.  That’s all fine and good; the listener thinks the girl is at the church for her wedding, but no.  The song goes on to say that [the groom] is never coming home, and then the trumpets from the military band begin to play and they hand her the folded flag.  She holds on to it because it’s all that she has left of him and what could have been.  Then the guns ring one last shot and it feels like a bullet in her heart.  The chorus of the song is heartbreaking.  It says, “Why’d you have to leave me?  Why’d you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know.”  The song closes by saying, “Everybody’s saying he’s not coming home now.  This can’t be happening to me.  This is just a dream.” 

While it is a beautiful song, it is my WORST nightmare.  I’ve never made it through the whole song because by the beginning of the first chorus, I am sobbing.  I actually had to Google the lyrics to be able to actually write about the song here, and yes, reading them made me break down too.  It’s such a horribly sad reality for so many loved ones of the soldiers who never came home.  It’s heartbreaking. 

I’ve been so worried about Phil all week that this song was the last thing I need to hear.  I can’t even imagine being in that situation, and right now, I’d give anything to be able to see him and touch him again.  I’d give anything to look into his caring blue eyes, and to run my fingers through his short dark hair.  I’d give anything to feel his arms around me and to hear his joyful laugh.   There is not a moment that goes by in the day when I do not think of him.  Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go I see other couples together, laughing, hugging, and holding hands. It makes me so sad and lonely, and jealous, in a way.  I just wish they knew what a luxury it is to be with the one you love. 

Since Phil left, I feel like I’m just going through the motions.  I go to school. I study.  I run errands. I go to the gym.  Life goes on, even though Phil is away, and I still have to do these things, although many days I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing.  Even when I’m with friends and family, having a good time, it’s still not the best time because a part of me is still there, lonely, sad, and wishing Phil were here.  It’s hard to describe it, other than just going through the motions. 

I keep trying to cheer myself up by reminding myself that Phil will be home for leave in two weeks.  It doesn’t make it better now, though, because I haven’t heard from him in a week.  Once I hear from him, it will be ok again, but now, it just sucks. 

Since I only have two weeks left to prepare for Phil’s leave, I’ve decided to start doing the SlimFast diet.  It basically consists of two shakes/meal bars per day, one healthy meal (under 500 calories), and three healthy snacks.  It’s definitely going to be difficult, but I figure I can handle it for at least two weeks.  I really want to look beautiful for Phil when he comes home.   He’s never seen me this thin or in shape.  We started dating after my first semester of law school, and I was 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started law school.  I was feeling so fat and disgusting, but he still thought I was beautiful and sexy.  He made me feel so good about myself.  That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He always makes me feel beautiful.  Anyways, I know that he’ll think I’m beautiful regardless, but I still want to be my best for him.  He deserves it.  He’s so good to me.

He was up at the OP on our anniversary, but he somehow managed to send me a dozen red roses and some chocolates.  His note made me cry.  It was so sweet.  I don’t know if he ordered the flowers before he left or if he ordered them while he was there, but either way, it was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me.  He really does make me fall more and more in love with him every day.

I hope I hear from him soon.  I guess his squad got back from the OP today, but the phones and internet were down so I didn’t hear from him.  I’m so glad they’re back from the OP.  At least, I don’t have to worry about that for now.  I just wish I could hear his voice. 

Hopefully, I’ll hear from him tomorrow, and hopefully, these next two weeks will fly by.  We’ll be together again soon.   J

Not So Happy Holidays

I haven’t felt much like blogging lately.

This holiday season was really rough.  I’m so glad I was home with my family.  Being home made it a little better, but it was still a sad time for me.  I miss Phil so much.  We started dating this time last year, so the memories of last year were always on my mind and I missed spending my winter break with him.  I just remember how happy I was with Phil last year. 

I spent a lot of time with my family and Phil’s family.  Being with my family is different, though, because no matter how hard they try to understand, I can’t help but feel like they just don’t.  It’s difficult.  It’s hard to be strong all the time, when so many days, I feel like I’m on the verge of tears every second.  I try to put it to the back of my mind, but some days it’s impossible.

New Years was the roughest day so far.  It was so sad to be without Phil and he’s been at an OP for the past week, so I hadn’t heard from him in a few days.  I went to a country concert at a bar with my mom and her friends for New Year’s Eve.  I did not have a good time, though.  I was sad and didn’t want to affect anyone else’s fun.  They just don’t understand how hard it is.  During the countdown, I went to the bathroom and cried.  I just couldn’t watch all those other couples kissing at midnight.  It was so sad and lonely.  On top of missing Phil because of New Years, I was sad because New Year’s day was our anniversary.  We’d been dating since December, but we officially got together on New Year’s day last year.  I miss Phil so much.  He makes me so happy. 

Christmas was, surprisingly, not too bad.  Phil called me Christmas morning and we talked for a while.  I opened my gifts from him while we were on the phone.  He’s so sweet.  He sent me some perfume, clothes from Express (my favorite store, and some clothes from Victoria’s Secret.  I love the gifts he sent me.  He’s always so thoughtful.  I spent Christmas morning with my family and went over to his parents’ house in the evening.  We had a good time, although it was bittersweet.  We were all really missing Phil.  I was especially sad when it started snowing that night.  We had the first white Christmas in a hundred years and Phil wasn’t here to see it.  L

Since Christmas, I’ve spent my days at the gym, mainly.  I’ve been going to the gym twice a day to try to get in shape.  Phil’s leave is going to be earlier than it was supposed to be. J He’s coming home at the end of January instead of in February because his brother is leaving for Navy boot camp at the beginning of February, and Phil didn’t want to miss seeing him.  One of the guys in Phil’s squad switched his leave dates with Phil.  That was really nice of him, and I hope he and his wife know how much we appreciate it. I thanked both of them on Facebook, and they said they are happy they could help. 

Phil is still at the OP, but he managed to text me on New Year’s eve from someone else’s phone.  That was sweet of him.  I haven’t heard from him since.  I just want to hear from him soon.  I miss him so much. 

I will be driving back to school at the end of the week.  I’m not ready.  I don’t want to go back at all.  I just don’t feel like doing anything, but I know it will help to see all my friends there.  Everyone is really supportive at school.  It helps a lot.  I just have to keep reminding myself that Phil will be back for leave in just a few weeks.   Everything will be ok.