Waiting

Deployment is a waiting game: waiting for a phone call, so I can hear his voice for the first time in weeks; waiting by the computer, hoping he’ll log in, so I can chat with him and not feel so lonely for those few minutes of the day; waiting to hear anything at all because I haven’t heard from him in days/weeks and am driving myself mad with worry; and most of all, waiting for him to come home.

 The waiting can be maddening and is definitely exhausting, but, in order to make it through, I’ve been forced to learn patience. Much of the patience, I would call “acute” because it is more of a short term thing.  It’s waiting for that next phone call, next e-mail, next IM.  However, the deployment has taught me another type of patience, a more long term type of patience, because in order to even have a chance at a future with the man I love, I had to decide to be patient and wait for him while he went away for a year. 

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   I’ve always tried to live by this verse; when I don’t know where my life is headed, I’ve always prayed for God to show me the way.  I fully believe that God has always done so too, as far as my undergraduate school, law school, and career path are concerned. 

About four years ago, because God had showed me the path so many times before, I decided to start praying for God to send me my perfect man, my husband.  I wrote down a list of all the traits and virtues that I wanted in a man because I decided that God could never answer my prayers if I didn’t even know what I was praying for.  I remember thinking at the time that there could never be one man that would have all of these qualities, but I still wrote them down and prayed every day that God would send me my perfect match.  From the time I wrote that list until I met Phil, over two years later, I did not enter into a relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, I went on dates, but it simply never felt right.  I knew that God had not sent him yet, so I kept praying and waiting. When I met Phil, something just clicked.

However, a few months into our relationship, I found out that Phil was going to be deployed (and that he volunteered to go).  Phil couldn’t really explain why he felt he needed to go, just that he did. At first, I was really hurt and angry that he’d volunteered to leave me, but then I realized that God has a plan for him too, so I went back to praying.  I was so confused.  If this was really the man that God sent for me, then why would He take him away?   Like I’d done so many times before, when I had no idea what to do, I prayed for God to show me the way. 

Then, last 4^th of July, Phil and I went to church with his mom.  It is the only time I’ve been to church in years.  When the pastor told us to open our Bible to Jeremiah 29:12,  I couldn’t believe it.  It was my verse, the verse that has led me through so much in life.  The verse that I wrote on bookmarks in every single one of my casebooks and that is hanging from the rearview mirror in my car. 

It was my verse, and I felt like the sermon that day was especially for me. It was about how sometimes we just have to be patient and God will show us our path when he’s ready, even if it means we have to work for it and be patient, that everything that God has planned for us will not come easy.   I still knew that Phil was my perfect match, so I remember telling God that I would be patient and wait.  That night, I remember telling Phil that I knew he was the man for me and that I’d be here waiting for him when he comes home. I meant it with all my heart.  He left a month later, and I’ve been here, patiently waiting ever since. 

This deployment has been worth every second of the wait because our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.  Our relationship has not been put on hold but has continued to grow and been made stronger through this trial.  Phil is God’s plan for me, but this deployment had taught me not to take that for granted.  I feel like God has shown me the way, and I just have to continue to work for it and be patient, praying for the strength to make it through. 

Winding Down

This deployment is finally winding down. 

People keep telling me and it’s good to know that we don’t have to go through this too much longer, but it still doesn’t help make things better right now. The missing him is still there every day, and I long to be with him every single day.  It’s not like a simple “I miss him.”  It’s a deep longing to be with him.  It comes from deep down in my heart.  I miss everything about being with him.  I miss the simple things like the sparkle in his eyes when he laughs and the softness of his hair when he watches TV with his head in my lap. I miss the way we laugh and joke around when we ride around in his truck, listening to music and the way we always have so much fun together when we’re in the kitchen and he’s cooking amazing meals for me.  I miss going to the gym with him and even going to the grocery store with him.  We always have so much fun together and I can’t wait to be able to laugh and smile again, like we did before he left.  I especially can’t wait to feel his strong arms around me again and to kiss him again.  The longing is always there and it won’t be better until I see him step off the escalator at the airport and he envelopes me in a big hug. 

Although the longing is always there, it’s sad to say, but I’ve gotten used to it.  I’ve gotten used to being sad and missing him.  I still have my bad days, where I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I wonder how my heart can possibly make it through another few months of this.  Those days don’t happen as often as before, but they are still pretty awful.  On those days, I pray for God to bring me peace and give me the strength to be ok, so that I can support Phil like he needs me to.  I say that I wonder how I can make it, but it’s not like there was ever any choice for me.  This is only so painful because I love Phil so much.  Nothing will make that better, other than him being home with me again.  Until then, I can only continue to pray for peace and strength.   I can only continue to ask for God to bring Phillip and the other guys peace and strength, to wrap His arms around them and protect them and to give them the guidance to make the right decisions when they only have a second to react.  All I can do is continue to support and love Phil and put the rest in God’s hands. 

That faith has helped me get through this, so far.  It’s becoming more and more difficult to just have faith and not worry too much, though.  Spring, when it warms up there, is when the Taliban becomes active again.  This knowledge makes it so much more difficult for me to fall asleep at night.  Afghanistan is eight and a half hours ahead of us, so when I should be going to sleep, they guys are just getting ready to start their day.  On the days that I know they’re going outside the wire (leaving the base), I really worry because I know they’re going to be in a lot of danger.  That’s another reason I say that it doesn’t help to know that this deployment is winding down.

The deployment is not the only thing that’s winding down right now, though.  My semester is almost over too.  As of today, I have taken three exams and have two more to go.  My exam schedule was awful this semester.  It is probably the most rigorous exam schedule I’ve had so far in law school.  I have literally been studying non-stop for the past two and a half weeks.  I’ve even pulled a few all-nighters.  At this point, I’m pretty exhausted, but I just need to push through. I want to do well.  I never want to disappoint Phil.

 He’s been so encouraging.  Every semester, he knows I get really stressed out, but he always tells me how smart I am and how he knows I can do it.  Phil even went online one day and ordered my favorite pizza and diet coke because he knew I’d be home studying all day.  It was so sweet of him.  It makes me feel really good to know that he believes in me because, honestly, sometimes, I don’t believe in myself. 

Law school is difficult enough on its own, and deployment is infinitely more difficult than law school, but in a different way.  Trying to get through them both at the same time, threatens to break me sometimes.  For example, on the days when I feel like my heart has been ripped out and all I want to do is lie in my bed and do nothing, I still have to focus and study for 8-12 hours that day.  Law school doesn’t care that your heart has been ripped out, and the deployment doesn’t care if you need to focus and be productive, rather than be depressed and worried.  During my exams, sometimes I have to catch myself, and intentionally push all thoughts of the deployment out of my head.  I’m so glad this semester is almost over, so I can have a little R&R before the summer semester begins. 

Operation: Get Hot is winding down too. J  Right now, I’m four pounds away from my ultimate goal weight.  My final goal weight is five pounds lighter than my goal weight was for Phil’s R&R in February, (which I met).  However, during his R&R, I gained four pounds back. When he left again, I had nine pounds to lose.  I’ve lost a total of 17 pounds since August, when Phil left the first time, but when he left, I was already at a healthy weight for my height.  I have really just been trying to lose “vanity pounds.”  They are sooooo difficult to lose.  I’ve been doing SlimFast and working out four to five times a week, but it’s still taking me forever to lose this weight.  Although I’ve only lost 17 pounds, I’ve lost six inches in my waist and four in my hips.  I’m very proud of my success because I’m finally down to the weight I was before I started law school, and I’m in much better shape now.  I still have a few months to go, so I’m just going to continue dieting and working out.  I know Phil will think I’m beautiful, regardless, but I just want to feel beautiful too. 

I can’t wait for this to be over, so we can continue our life together.  I’m just going to continue loving and supporting Phil, like he needs me to.  I’m going to continue being strong and praying every day, while the rest of this deployment winds down.