The Break Begins (FINALLY!!!)

Today was the second day of my Christmas break.  It was a good day.

Phil called this morning, and we talked for about 45 minutes.  He seems to be doing well, and it was a great conversation.  We talked and laughed about all kinds of things and everything that’s been going on this week. 

On Tuesday afternoon, I took my last final.  Phil tried to call that morning before the exam, but for some reason, my stupid phone didn’t ring.  It didn’t even show the missed calls. It really upset me that I missed his calls.  He has never been one to talk on the phone much, so when he does call it’s a huge treat.  We did chat online that morning, but I was still disappointed that I missed his calls.  Him calling today was probably better, though,  because I was pretty busy Tuesday morning, getting ready for my exam and packing for winter break.   We definitely were able to talk much longer today than we would have been able to on Tuesday.

After my exam on Tuesday, I drove home to my mom’s house, to spend Christmas with my family.  It was a miserable eight hour drive.  Recently, the fan in my car stopped working, so the heat doesn’t work.  The low temperature on Tuesday night was 17 degrees.  Brrrrrrr…. Yesterday was really cold too, but it warmed up today, which I was very thankful for because I’ve had a million errands to run these last two days.

Yesterday, I went to Phil’s gym and talked to them about getting a membership for the month that I’m in town.  A one month membership is usually $65, but because they like Phil and me, they gave me the membership for $35.  Phil is so sweet.  He paid for my membership. It’s so cold here that I can’t go running outside, and I’m trying to lose weight, so working out through the holidays is imperative.   I worked out today.  J  It was ROUGH! I hadn’t worked out since Saturday because of my final, so my run was very difficult to complete today.  I made myself get through it, though.  Phil’s brother met me at the gym later and we did weights together.  Phil, his brother, and I used to work out together all the time, so it was nice working out with his brother again.  It motivates me more too, so I don’t slack off.  We’re going to work out tomorrow too. 

I’m going over to Phil’s parents’ tomorrow for dinner.  I went over there last night and helped his mom wrap Christmas gifts, but his dad wasn’t there.  He was stuck in traffic for over five hours last night because the weather was so bad.  Traffic in Atlanta is absolute chaos if there’s any kind of ice or snow on the ground.  There was 180 auto accidents yesterday evening during rush hour.  It will be nice to spend time with his family.  Sometimes it’s difficult to find time to spend time with my mom, my dad, and Phil’s family.  I love all of them and I love spending time with all of them, so I’m trying to figure it out. 

Something nice happened today. My mom’s friend called me to get Phil’s address.  A while ago, I made a wish list on Amazon of all the stuff Phil wants and needs and update it as he tells me what he needs.  I try to get as much of it as possible, but because I live on a limited budget and have no income, I obviously can’t send everything.  I e-mailed the list to my mom, and I guess my mom forwarded it to some of her friends.   Phil is running out of the hand and foot warmers that I sent when he first got to Afghanistan, so I mentioned it to my mom and added them to his Amazon list.  My mom’s friend ordered them for Phil today. I’m glad Phil will have the body warmers he needs, and it’s really touching that my mom’s friend cares enough to send them to him.  I know he’ll appreciate it. 

I think tomorrow will be a good day.  I’m going to mail some Popular Science Magazines to Phil. He asked for them a few months ago so I subscribed to the magazine then.  However, I just now started receiving them.  I received three months’ worth of magazines the other day.  It’s kind of more convenient for me to send them all at once, so I’m not really worried about it.  I’m going to mail a Christmas card with them. 

 When I was picking that card out the other day, I almost broke down crying in the middle of the store.  It was really sad, reading all of the Christmas cards, knowing that Phil won’t be here to celebrate.  At least,  I made it out to my car before I started crying.  I still hate crying.  It makes me feel so weak and once I start crying, I feel like I’ll never be able to stop.  Other than that breakdown and the disappointment about missing Phil’s phone calls, it’s been a pretty good week.   It’s been busy and exhausting, but the week has generally been good.  I’m still having trouble sleeping, but at least being around family and keeping busy has made the month go by fast.  Phil will be home less than two months from now!!! J 

Hopefully, tomorrow WILL be a good day, and hopefully, I’ll hear from Phil again. J

Operation: Get Hot **UPDATE**

It’s been an exhausting week.

I had two final exams this week, Federal Income Tax and Criminal Procedure.  Federal Income Tax was brutal.  Criminal Procedure was not so bad.  It was a little tricky, as law school exams go, but it wasn’t infuriatingly difficult.   The main thing about the Criminal Procedure exam that was difficult was the fact that it was my fourth exam, and by now I’m exhausted.  I’ve been studying almost non-stop for the past two weeks. 

Law school exams are unlike any other exams in that, not only do you need to know the rules and the policy behind the rules, but you also have to know how to apply the rules to a hypothetical fact pattern, discuss each argument and opposing argument, and come to a conclusion.  I’m completely exhausted by the time I leave each 3-4 hour exam.  Adding insult to injury, after each exam I have to go home and study for another exam.  There’s no break, no time to lose.  I’m so glad I only have one exam remaining, Professional Responsibility.  It’s on Tuesday, so I have three days to study.  I’m a little worried about it because I have not studied at all, but I’ll get it done.  I can last for three more days.  I have to.

  Because of my exam this morning, I didn’t talk to Phil today.

My exam started at 9 this morning, and Phil wasn’t able to get online to chat until 9:15.  Yesterday, when I talked to him, I let him know that I’d be in my exam this morning, so at least he knew why I couldn’t talk.  I sent him a message before the exam started too.   He sent me a really sweet message in response that I received after my exam.  It made me feel better that I missed him and it made me smile.  I love how he can make me this happy even when we’ve been so far apart for so long.  I really love him.  His message made my day a hundred percent better. 

 When I got home from my exam, I ate a Lean Cuisine :-/ and tried to take a nap.   I was up late studying last night and only got about five hours of sleep, so I was planning on sleeping for a few hours this afternoon.  That didn’t happen.  Since Phil left, no matter how exhausted I am, I cannot get to sleep.  I always end up lying in bed, thinking.  I’m hoping I’ll be able to sleep better after the semester is over because I’ll at least have a break from the stress of law school.  My long sleep ended up being a restless 30 minute nap.

After my little snooze, I was still exhausted, but I made myself get up and go to the gym because I didn’t work out yesterday.  I only planned on making myself run two miles, but I ended up running five miles.  That’s a HUGE accomplishment for me because a) I just started running again about a month ago, b) before today three miles is the most I’d ever run at one time, and c) I’m so freaking exhausted.  It was actually not that difficult. 

 Because of Operation: Get Hot, I set a new goal for myself this week.  My new goal is to run 20 miles a week.  So far, since Monday, I’ve run 14 miles.  That means, I only have to run three miles tomorrow and Sunday.  I hope my legs aren’t too sore to run tomorrow.  I’d really like to work up to running more and more.  My friend told me about a 15K that he and his girlfriend are doing next semester.  That’s almost 10 miles.  It’d be awesome if I was able to run that.  Hopefully I can spend a lot of time in the gym during break and work up to it.  I’d be so proud of myself.  Even though I’ve been running a lot, Operation: Get Hot seems to have stalled.

I’ve lost 13 pounds since Phil left in August, but the weight is getting more and more difficult to lose as I get smaller and smaller.  I only have about eight more pounds to lose, but it won’t budge.  I’ve been tracking my calories, cutting back on the carbs, and drinking more water.  I only eat about 1300 calories a day, and I’ve been wearing a calorie monitor that measures the amount of calories I burn each day (like they wear on Biggest Loser).  It’s really takes the guesswork out of losing weight because I know exactly how many calories I eat and how many I burn.  Losing weight is really just a numbers game.  However, I HAVE NOT LOST ANY MORE WEIGHT! It’s so frustrating, especially because cutting carbs SUCKS.  I’ve lost an inch in my waist since I officially began Operation: Get Hot, so I guess my hard work is paying off. It’s still frustrating that the scale does not reflect it too.  Oh well.  I’ll just continue watching my calories and working out.  Eventually, the scale will catch up.  Even if it doesn’t, I definitely look and feel better now.  I always have to set goals for myself and have something to work toward. 

I’m a slacker unless I have a goal or an objective to meet.  I need the motivation.  Also, I need the distraction from being sad or worrying about Phil.  Otherwise, I’d be a nervous wreck. I have to throw most of my energy into school or getting in shape so that I’m not so depressed.  I’m sure these self-imposed goals are a huge source of my stress/anxiety, but it’s better than being perpetually depressed and anxious for the next seven months.  I’m a little worried about the break though.  I’m not used to having much idle time, so I’m worried about not having enough to do. I plan on helping my mom with some stuff around the house, but I mainly plan on making the gym my full time job and starting to train for the 15K.  That’s what they do on Biggest Loser, so I don’t know why I can’t do it too, especially if I don’t have any other responsibilities.

I just have to make it through these next three days and my last exam.  Hopefully, I’ll hear from Phil tomorrow. 

The Days are Long...

Today, I’m officially halfway done with final exams.

Well, actually, I’m over halfway done with exams, but who’s counting.  J  I took Constitutional Law II and Evidence last week, and today I took the Federal Income Tax exam.

 OMG, the Federal Income Tax exam was BRUTAL!!!  It was only ten short answer questions and five multiple choice, but no one in the class finished in the three hours we had to take the exam.  It was exhausting.  Now, I have to study for my Criminal Procedure exam, which is in four days. After that exam, I’ll be studying for my Professional Responsibility exam, which is four days later.  Christmas break cannot come soon enough!!!

 I can’t even express in words how exhausted I am and how tired I am of studying.  I’m trying to make this my best semester because I want to show Phil that I can be strong and take care of myself, even though he’s not here.  Plus, I want to make him proud and make myself proud.  I want to prove to myself that I can overcome adversity and excel, even when circumstances say that I should crumble. 

One thing I’ve learned is that life isn’t always easy, and getting what you want comes at a price.  This has proven true so many times in my life.  Undergrad at FSU, I worked a full time job and went to school full time.  I worked at a doctor’s office to put myself through school and spent my nights and weekends studying, so I could keep my grades up. I could have gotten a full scholarship in my home state, but I couldn’t see myself anywhere else, so I did what I had to in order to make it happen.   Law school is the same way.  It’s A LOT of hard work, sleepless nights, and stress, but it will be worth it when I have the career that I want.  I look at this deployment the same way.

I love Phil with all my heart and I know I want to be with him.  This deployment SUCKS every single day, but when I have him back and we continue our life together, all the tears, loneliness, anxiety, and everything else will be worth it.   

Phil and I talked for a few minutes this morning via Facebook.  I was relieved to hear from him when I did because I hadn’t heard from him since 4:30 yesterday morning.  I was afraid he’d message me while I was in my exam and I’d miss him.  That would have made me sad. Additionally, if I hadn’t heard from him when I did, I’d be worried about it during my entire exam.  He actually messaged me as I was walking into my classroom to take the exam, so it was perfect timing.  It was nice to talk to him.  He’s always so sweet to me. J 

Hopefully, I’ll hear from him again tomorrow. J

A Difficult Week

So, I’ve been neglecting my blog lately but not by choice.  I have been soooo busy!

Basically, the past week I’ve just been trying to not have a breakdown.  That’s what law school does.  It’s like this cycle where we start off the semester ok, with minimal stress, and then as the semester progresses, the stress level increases and increases.  By the time final exams come around, the stress level is almost at its maximum, so the few weeks of finals are spent trying to hold off a nervous breakdown. It’s like being chased by something and we just have to run fast enough to keep out of its grasp until we make it to safety.  Then we have immediate relief until the next semester starts and the cycle starts all over again. 

My first final was on Tuesday morning and my second final was this afternoon.  I have been studying almost non-stop for the past five or six days.  My brain feels like mush right now.  In fact, this blog post will probably be some of my worst writing ever.  I’m definitely taking the night off from studying and will resume tomorrow for my next final on Monday.  This week has been particularly stressful because today was the first time I’d heard from Phil in six days.

Last Wednesday, I talked to Phil on Facebook and he told me that I probably wouldn’t be hearing from him for about a week because he was going to an outpost where there are no phones.  I didn’t hear from him on Thanksgiving, but on Friday he tested a picture of himself from his buddy’s phone. He said that he probably wouldn’t be using the phone anymore, though, because it is really expensive to send texts from there.  It was nice to see a picture of him though.  It’s the first one that he’s sent since he left.  I didn’t hear from him again until today.  It helped to know to know that he was just in an area where he couldn’t contact me, but I was obviously still worried about him.  As the days went on, my anxiety kept going up.  It’s the longest that I’ve ever gone without talking to him.  It was horrible. I definitely cried myself to sleep a few nights.  He called today, though.  J

It was such a good conversation.  Just hearing his voice makes everything ok.  He seems to be doing well and I could tell he was happy to talk to me too.  We talked about what we want to do during his R & R and we talked about everything that we’ve done since we last talked.

Thanksgiving was last week and I spent it back home with my family.  I’m glad I was there because if I’d have been at my apartment alone,  I know I’d have been a thousand times more anxious about not hearing from Phil for so long.  Thanksgiving was bittersweet, though. It was really nice to spend time with my family and Phil’s family, but it was sad to spend the holiday without Phil. 

On Thanksgiving, I went to Phil’s parent’s house after I’d eaten Thanksgiving dinner with my family. His parents were there by themselves. His brother and his brother’s fiancé were spending Thanksgiving with his fiancé’s family, so Phil’s parents were just spending the holiday alone.  It was sad.  I know they were sad that Phil was not there to celebrate the holiday and that he was out there not being able to celebrate, sleeping in the cold, and generally being in such a crappy situation.  It really makes us not feel like celebrating anything.  It’s hard to celebrate when half your heart is in Afghanistan.  I’m glad I went over there on Thanksgiving because when I got there, they were just watching TV alone with all the lights off in the house.  I could tell they were sad.  I brought his dad some cupcakes that I made for his birthday, and they seemed to cheer up when I got there. We sat and talked for a while.  When Phil’s brother and his brother’s fiancé got home, we all went upstairs to the computer and his dad showed us a bunch of videos on YouTube.   

I went over there the following evening for dinner too.  His dad is an awesome chef and he made a feast of roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and a bunch of other things.  It was delicious!  I think I ate my weight in food, though.   It was kind of a Thanksgiving feast.  Phil bought his dad a Yanni dvd for his birthday, so his dad made us all watch the entire thing after dinner.  Phil’s brother and I protested but he said to blame it on Phil.  HAHA! I told Phil about it when I talked to him today and he laughed.  He was glad his dad liked the gift, though.  It was really nice to spend time with Phil’s family.  It was nice to spend time with my family too.

Both of my brothers were in town for a few days so the whole family was there for Thanksgiving.   One of my younger brothers lives in Boston, getting his master’s degree in mechanical engineering at MIT.  He got his bachelor’s degree there too, so he hasn’t been in town much since he moved up there about five years ago.  My other brother goes to UGA, so I see him more often.  It was just nice to hang out with my entire family.  I’m excited to see them again at Christmas.  

While I was up there, I spent a lot of time with my mom too.  She baked about a million cookies, and we bought a vacuum sealer and sent them to Phil and his buddies.  I hope they are ok.  We laughed because the vacuum sealer smashed them.  At least they’ll be fresh.  HAHA!  My mom was great.  She knew that I needed to study, so she baked all of them by herself.  I helped package them up, but she baked all of them.  It was really nice of her. I know it must have been exhausting.  Those cookies definitely derailed my diet, though.

I definitely ate way more that I should have last week.  It’s always so difficult to stick to my diet when I’m home.  I’m not used to having so much delicious food around, so when I’m home it’s bad news.  I ran about 6 miles last week, but I was still almost positive that I’d gained at least a few pounds by the time I got back.  To my surprise, I didn’t gain a pound.  I’m still working on Operation: Get Hot, but right not the objective has changed.  Now, it’s Operation: Don’t Gain A Million Pounds During Finals.  I ran a little over three miles last night, and I still haven’t gained any weight.  I hope I can at least lose a few pounds by the time I go home for Christmas.  I’ll probably go running again tonight too.  It really helps with my anxiety. 

Although it’s been a difficult week, everything is ok again.  I have made it through two finals and only have three to go.  Plus, I heard from Phil today. J Hopefully I’ll hear from him again tomorrow.