Pressure

Spring break is over, and finals are in a month.  Time is slowly marching by.  I still haven’t felt much like blogging.   I haven’t felt much like doing anything.   I’m ok, but the pressure of the deployment is starting to get to me.

Ever since Phil’s leave, I haven’t felt much like doing anything.  I mean, I still do what I need to, as far as my school work is concerned, but I haven’t felt much like doing much more.  It’s been really difficult to stay motivated to study and work out; although I still make myself do both.  I don’t know what my problem is, but I’m finding it harder and harder to keep it together.  This deployment is so emotionally exhausting that as time goes by, I’m finding that it takes so much more energy to just preserve my peace of mind.

I don’t know which is more difficult, the first half of the deployment or this second half.   The beginning of the deployment was difficult because it was so new.  I had no idea what to expect, and it was really difficult to adjust to.  I cried myself to sleep almost every night for the first few months.  Now that time has passed, I don’t cry nearly as often.  I’ve grown used to the ever-present sadness, loneliness, and anxiety that I’ve felt since the deployment began.  I’ve grown used to the ache in my heart that comes from Phil being in Afghanistan.  The pain is there every second of every day, but I’ve learned how to make it through most days without tears.  I don’t really know if that is a good thing or not.   

The pressure of the deployment never goes away.  It’s always there, no matter what I’m doing.  It’s exhausting.  When Phil was here on leave, that pressure was gone for two weeks.  It was great to be with him and not have to worry about him every day.  For those two weeks I felt like myself again.  It’s hard to explain, but I felt like I could actually really smile.   When he’s gone, I smile, but the pain in my heart is always there behind the smile.  When Phil was home, my smile was free of that pain. It was unrestrained. It was genuine.  That might not make sense, but I can’t think of another way to explain it.  Now that Phil is back overseas, that pressure is back, full force, and I’m finding that it’s taking so much more energy just to be ok. 

I miss Phil so much that when I think about him, I can almost feel his arms around me.  There are no words to explain how badly I want him to be here with me.  A few months does not sound like a long time, but it seems like forever right now.  I can’t wait to be in his arms again.  I can’t wait for him to be home and the pressure to be lifted.  I can’t wait to smile again.

I’ll be ok.  I just need to remember to pray for my strength and for my peace of mind.  Sometimes I pray so much for Phil that I forget to pray for myself.   God will get us through this deployment, so that we can continue our life together. 

Life Since Leave

These few weeks since Phil left have been so difficult.

I miss him so much!  During the 2 weeks he was here, it was so nice to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms every morning.  I felt so safe, confortable, and loved.  I miss it when he squeezes me closer to him at night.  I miss looking into his sparkling blue eyes.  I miss hearing his laugh and joking around with him.  We had such an amazing time together. 

It’s so lonely without him, now.  I think about him every waking hour, and I dream about him most nights.  We had such a great time together that it’s hard to think about how long we have to wait to continue those good times and pick up where we left off.  He should be home mid-summer, but it feels like its forever away.  My heart hurts every day that he’s not here with me. 

The only thing that temporarily relieves the pain is when I talk to him.  I use the term “talk” loosely, because I haven’t actually heard his voice in over a week.  For the last week he’s been at the OP.  That means that he’s been up on a mountain, with no electricity or water and going to the bathroom in a box.  They can’t shower, and they are out in the elements for much of the day, every day. Last week was particularly bad for them because the temperature up on the mountain was in the 30’s, and it was rainy, windy, and foggy. It’s miserable for them.  I hate when he has to go up there because I know how miserable he must be, and I feel guilty for being here, with the amazing weather, doing normal things like going to school or the gym.  Usually, I don’t hear from him the entire time he is at the OP, and usually I’m miserable the entire time.  It is so difficult to not hear from him for so long and not knowing if he’s alright. Plus, I miss him like crazy.  The only thing that made last week bearable was the fact that he and I were able to communicate the entire time.

His buddy went on leave and let Phil borrow his international cell phone while he’s gone.  Before Phil went up to the OP he put $50 worth of phone cards on the phone.  We were able to text back and forth all week.  It was such a relief to be able to talk to him.  I think it helped him to be able to talk to me too.  We had to ration his last few texts for the last few days he was up there, but it was still good to hear from him. 

This deployment is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life, at the most difficult time of my life (law school).  It is a struggle every single day, but I am kind of thankful for it.  It has brought Phil and me so much closer together.  It’s hard to describe, but we are simply perfect for each other.   Everything about our relationship is perfect and I wouldn’t change anything about it.  That is amazing to me because we have managed to grow in our relationship even though he’s been halfway around the world for half of our relationship.  We just understand each other.  We have so much fun together.  We are patient with each other.  We just love each other.  It is great. 

One of the hardest things about this deployment for me before was thinking that our relationship would be put on hold until Phil comes home. When he left last summer,  I didn’t know where our relationship stood or if he would ever want to marry me.  That was scary for me because I’m 26.  I’ll be almost 27 when he gets back.  It was scary to put my life on hold for a relationship, when I didn’t even know if we had a future.  Phil and I weren’t really at the point to even discuss marriage when he left.  We’d only been together eight months and I’m sure he didn’t know if I was even going to stick around.  I mean, a lot of women do leave their soldier during deployment.  I never had any intention of doing that, but I’m sure he wondered if I would be like those women.  One thing I’ve always known is that I love him and he’s everything I ever wanted in a man. I couldn’t imagine my life without Phil.   I felt like God answered my prayers, when he put Phil in my life, so I knew I’d just have to be patient and follow the path that God has laid out for me.  It’s not always easy to get what you want in life.

Since Phil’s leave, all of my questions have been answered.  I know now, that our relationship was never put on hold.  It has only continued to grow and mature.  We trust each other so much more, and our love has been tested, not only by the time and distance between us, but also the difficult things that we have gone through together during the deployment.  Our relationship has only gotten stronger through this.  Now, we are both sure that our future will be together. 

I guess that’s why it’s been so much more difficult since Phil’s leave.  We are both so excited to be together again so that we can build our life together.