Friday, July 22, 2011

Waiting on Christmas

The end of this deployment journey is finally coming to a close, and I can’t even put into words the emotions I’m feeling. 

I am so happy and excited that soon I will finally be in the arms of the man I love again.  It still doesn’t feel real.  This has been such a long, difficult journey.  I don’t think I’ve been truly living for the past year.  I’ve just been trying to make it through each day, waiting for the days and weeks to pass.

It is hard to explain, but I haven’t let myself really feel any emotions in the past few months; I’ve just felt numb inside.   The last couple months have been really difficult, with everything that was going on over there (in Afghanistan with Phil).  I couldn’t even allow myself to cry because it hurt too bad. I was just trying to put my head down and push through to the end of this, like the last leg of a race.  Crying just hurt too much, and it hurt so bad to cry and know that when I stop crying, nothing is better.  I haven’t blogged much since his leave because I couldn’t bring myself to face the emotions I’ve been feeling.  I’ve missed Phil with every inch of my being since he left.  The thing that has stuck with me the most is saying goodbye to him after his leave, knowing that I may never look into his eyes again. 

I am so excited for what the future holds for us.  I know this experience has made me a stronger person and has cemented our relationship.  Phil and I have been together almost two years, and I still fall in love with him even more every day.  He still makes me soooo happy.  It’s that sort of fairytale love that I never knew existed before.  I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found my perfect mate.  He is my best friend.  He knows me so well and is patient and understands me like no one else does.  He is strong and a protector and provider, but is loving and caring too.  He’s just an amazing man, and I can’t wait to spend my life with him.  The day he comes home will be the happiest day of my life.  I get my true love back, and I cannot be more thankful.

I know this post is pretty generic, but I still am not ready to put the last few months into words.  I think I’ll probably continue to blog when Phil comes home because a whole new chapter of our journey will be beginning. 

Right now, I’m just feeling like a little kid waiting on Christmas.  I am so excited to be with my honey again. <3

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Waiting

Deployment is a waiting game: waiting for a phone call, so I can hear his voice for the first time in weeks; waiting by the computer, hoping he’ll log in, so I can chat with him and not feel so lonely for those few minutes of the day; waiting to hear anything at all because I haven’t heard from him in days/weeks and am driving myself mad with worry; and most of all, waiting for him to come home.

 The waiting can be maddening and is definitely exhausting, but, in order to make it through, I’ve been forced to learn patience. Much of the patience, I would call “acute” because it is more of a short term thing.  It’s waiting for that next phone call, next e-mail, next IM.  However, the deployment has taught me another type of patience, a more long term type of patience, because in order to even have a chance at a future with the man I love, I had to decide to be patient and wait for him while he went away for a year. 

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   I’ve always tried to live by this verse; when I don’t know where my life is headed, I’ve always prayed for God to show me the way.  I fully believe that God has always done so too, as far as my undergraduate school, law school, and career path are concerned. 
About four years ago, because God had showed me the path so many times before, I decided to start praying for God to send me my perfect man, my husband.  I wrote down a list of all the traits and virtues that I wanted in a man because I decided that God could never answer my prayers if I didn’t even know what I was praying for.  I remember thinking at the time that there could never be one man that would have all of these qualities, but I still wrote them down and prayed every day that God would send me my perfect match.  From the time I wrote that list until I met Phil, over two years later, I did not enter into a relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, I went on dates, but it simply never felt right.  I knew that God had not sent him yet, so I kept praying and waiting. When I met Phil, something just clicked.

However, a few months into our relationship, I found out that Phil was going to be deployed (and that he volunteered to go).  Phil couldn’t really explain why he felt he needed to go, just that he did. At first, I was really hurt and angry that he’d volunteered to leave me, but then I realized that God has a plan for him too, so I went back to praying.  I was so confused.  If this was really the man that God sent for me, then why would He take him away?   Like I’d done so many times before, when I had no idea what to do, I prayed for God to show me the way. 

Then, last 4th of July, Phil and I went to church with his mom.  It is the only time I’ve been to church in years.  When the pastor told us to open our Bible to Jeremiah 29:12,  I couldn’t believe it.  It was my verse, the verse that has led me through so much in life.  The verse that I wrote on bookmarks in every single one of my casebooks and that is hanging from the rearview mirror in my car. 

It was my verse, and I felt like the sermon that day was especially for me. It was about how sometimes we just have to be patient and God will show us our path when he’s ready, even if it means we have to work for it and be patient, that everything that God has planned for us will not come easy.   I still knew that Phil was my perfect match, so I remember telling God that I would be patient and wait.  That night, I remember telling Phil that I knew he was the man for me and that I’d be here waiting for him when he comes home. I meant it with all my heart.  He left a month later, and I’ve been here, patiently waiting ever since. 

This deployment has been worth every second of the wait because our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.  Our relationship has not been put on hold but has continued to grow and been made stronger through this trial.  Phil is God’s plan for me, but this deployment had taught me not to take that for granted.  I feel like God has shown me the way, and I just have to continue to work for it and be patient, praying for the strength to make it through. 

Friday, May 6, 2011

Winding Down

This deployment is finally winding down. 

People keep telling me and it’s good to know that we don’t have to go through this too much longer, but it still doesn’t help make things better right now. The missing him is still there every day, and I long to be with him every single day.  It’s not like a simple “I miss him.”  It’s a deep longing to be with him.  It comes from deep down in my heart.  I miss everything about being with him.  I miss the simple things like the sparkle in his eyes when he laughs and the softness of his hair when he watches TV with his head in my lap. I miss the way we laugh and joke around when we ride around in his truck, listening to music and the way we always have so much fun together when we’re in the kitchen and he’s cooking amazing meals for me.  I miss going to the gym with him and even going to the grocery store with him.  We always have so much fun together and I can’t wait to be able to laugh and smile again, like we did before he left.  I especially can’t wait to feel his strong arms around me again and to kiss him again.  The longing is always there and it won’t be better until I see him step off the escalator at the airport and he envelopes me in a big hug. 

Although the longing is always there, it’s sad to say, but I’ve gotten used to it.  I’ve gotten used to being sad and missing him.  I still have my bad days, where I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I wonder how my heart can possibly make it through another few months of this.  Those days don’t happen as often as before, but they are still pretty awful.  On those days, I pray for God to bring me peace and give me the strength to be ok, so that I can support Phil like he needs me to.  I say that I wonder how I can make it, but it’s not like there was ever any choice for me.  This is only so painful because I love Phil so much.  Nothing will make that better, other than him being home with me again.  Until then, I can only continue to pray for peace and strength.   I can only continue to ask for God to bring Phillip and the other guys peace and strength, to wrap His arms around them and protect them and to give them the guidance to make the right decisions when they only have a second to react.  All I can do is continue to support and love Phil and put the rest in God’s hands. 

That faith has helped me get through this, so far.  It’s becoming more and more difficult to just have faith and not worry too much, though.  Spring, when it warms up there, is when the Taliban becomes active again.  This knowledge makes it so much more difficult for me to fall asleep at night.  Afghanistan is eight and a half hours ahead of us, so when I should be going to sleep, they guys are just getting ready to start their day.  On the days that I know they’re going outside the wire (leaving the base), I really worry because I know they’re going to be in a lot of danger.  That’s another reason I say that it doesn’t help to know that this deployment is winding down.

The deployment is not the only thing that’s winding down right now, though.  My semester is almost over too.  As of today, I have taken three exams and have two more to go.  My exam schedule was awful this semester.  It is probably the most rigorous exam schedule I’ve had so far in law school.  I have literally been studying non-stop for the past two and a half weeks.  I’ve even pulled a few all-nighters.  At this point, I’m pretty exhausted, but I just need to push through. I want to do well.  I never want to disappoint Phil.

 He’s been so encouraging.  Every semester, he knows I get really stressed out, but he always tells me how smart I am and how he knows I can do it.  Phil even went online one day and ordered my favorite pizza and diet coke because he knew I’d be home studying all day.  It was so sweet of him.  It makes me feel really good to know that he believes in me because, honestly, sometimes, I don’t believe in myself. 

Law school is difficult enough on its own, and deployment is infinitely more difficult than law school, but in a different way.  Trying to get through them both at the same time, threatens to break me sometimes.  For example, on the days when I feel like my heart has been ripped out and all I want to do is lie in my bed and do nothing, I still have to focus and study for 8-12 hours that day.  Law school doesn’t care that your heart has been ripped out, and the deployment doesn’t care if you need to focus and be productive, rather than be depressed and worried.  During my exams, sometimes I have to catch myself, and intentionally push all thoughts of the deployment out of my head.  I’m so glad this semester is almost over, so I can have a little R&R before the summer semester begins. 

Operation: Get Hot is winding down too. J  Right now, I’m four pounds away from my ultimate goal weight.  My final goal weight is five pounds lighter than my goal weight was for Phil’s R&R in February, (which I met).  However, during his R&R, I gained four pounds back. When he left again, I had nine pounds to lose.  I’ve lost a total of 17 pounds since August, when Phil left the first time, but when he left, I was already at a healthy weight for my height.  I have really just been trying to lose “vanity pounds.”  They are sooooo difficult to lose.  I’ve been doing SlimFast and working out four to five times a week, but it’s still taking me forever to lose this weight.  Although I’ve only lost 17 pounds, I’ve lost six inches in my waist and four in my hips.  I’m very proud of my success because I’m finally down to the weight I was before I started law school, and I’m in much better shape now.  I still have a few months to go, so I’m just going to continue dieting and working out.  I know Phil will think I’m beautiful, regardless, but I just want to feel beautiful too. 

I can’t wait for this to be over, so we can continue our life together.  I’m just going to continue loving and supporting Phil, like he needs me to.  I’m going to continue being strong and praying every day, while the rest of this deployment winds down. 

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Pressure

Spring break is over, and finals are in a month.  Time is slowly marching by.  I still haven’t felt much like blogging.   I haven’t felt much like doing anything.   I’m ok, but the pressure of the deployment is starting to get to me.

Ever since Phil’s leave, I haven’t felt much like doing anything.  I mean, I still do what I need to, as far as my school work is concerned, but I haven’t felt much like doing much more.  It’s been really difficult to stay motivated to study and work out; although I still make myself do both.  I don’t know what my problem is, but I’m finding it harder and harder to keep it together.  This deployment is so emotionally exhausting that as time goes by, I’m finding that it takes so much more energy to just preserve my peace of mind.

I don’t know which is more difficult, the first half of the deployment or this second half.   The beginning of the deployment was difficult because it was so new.  I had no idea what to expect, and it was really difficult to adjust to.  I cried myself to sleep almost every night for the first few months.  Now that time has passed, I don’t cry nearly as often.  I’ve grown used to the ever-present sadness, loneliness, and anxiety that I’ve felt since the deployment began.  I’ve grown used to the ache in my heart that comes from Phil being in Afghanistan.  The pain is there every second of every day, but I’ve learned how to make it through most days without tears.  I don’t really know if that is a good thing or not.   

The pressure of the deployment never goes away.  It’s always there, no matter what I’m doing.  It’s exhausting.  When Phil was here on leave, that pressure was gone for two weeks.  It was great to be with him and not have to worry about him every day.  For those two weeks I felt like myself again.  It’s hard to explain, but I felt like I could actually really smile.   When he’s gone, I smile, but the pain in my heart is always there behind the smile.  When Phil was home, my smile was free of that pain. It was unrestrained. It was genuine.  That might not make sense, but I can’t think of another way to explain it.  Now that Phil is back overseas, that pressure is back, full force, and I’m finding that it’s taking so much more energy just to be ok. 

I miss Phil so much that when I think about him, I can almost feel his arms around me.  There are no words to explain how badly I want him to be here with me.  A few months does not sound like a long time, but it seems like forever right now.  I can’t wait to be in his arms again.  I can’t wait for him to be home and the pressure to be lifted.  I can’t wait to smile again.

I’ll be ok.  I just need to remember to pray for my strength and for my peace of mind.  Sometimes I pray so much for Phil that I forget to pray for myself.   God will get us through this deployment, so that we can continue our life together. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Life Since Leave

These few weeks since Phil left have been so difficult.

I miss him so much!  During the 2 weeks he was here, it was so nice to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms every morning.  I felt so safe, confortable, and loved.  I miss it when he squeezes me closer to him at night.  I miss looking into his sparkling blue eyes.  I miss hearing his laugh and joking around with him.  We had such an amazing time together. 

It’s so lonely without him, now.  I think about him every waking hour, and I dream about him most nights.  We had such a great time together that it’s hard to think about how long we have to wait to continue those good times and pick up where we left off.  He should be home mid-summer, but it feels like its forever away.  My heart hurts every day that he’s not here with me. 

The only thing that temporarily relieves the pain is when I talk to him.  I use the term “talk” loosely, because I haven’t actually heard his voice in over a week.  For the last week he’s been at the OP.  That means that he’s been up on a mountain, with no electricity or water and going to the bathroom in a box.  They can’t shower, and they are out in the elements for much of the day, every day. Last week was particularly bad for them because the temperature up on the mountain was in the 30’s, and it was rainy, windy, and foggy. It’s miserable for them.  I hate when he has to go up there because I know how miserable he must be, and I feel guilty for being here, with the amazing weather, doing normal things like going to school or the gym.  Usually, I don’t hear from him the entire time he is at the OP, and usually I’m miserable the entire time.  It is so difficult to not hear from him for so long and not knowing if he’s alright. Plus, I miss him like crazy.  The only thing that made last week bearable was the fact that he and I were able to communicate the entire time.

His buddy went on leave and let Phil borrow his international cell phone while he’s gone.  Before Phil went up to the OP he put $50 worth of phone cards on the phone.  We were able to text back and forth all week.  It was such a relief to be able to talk to him.  I think it helped him to be able to talk to me too.  We had to ration his last few texts for the last few days he was up there, but it was still good to hear from him. 

This deployment is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life, at the most difficult time of my life (law school).  It is a struggle every single day, but I am kind of thankful for it.  It has brought Phil and me so much closer together.  It’s hard to describe, but we are simply perfect for each other.   Everything about our relationship is perfect and I wouldn’t change anything about it.  That is amazing to me because we have managed to grow in our relationship even though he’s been halfway around the world for half of our relationship.  We just understand each other.  We have so much fun together.  We are patient with each other.  We just love each other.  It is great. 

One of the hardest things about this deployment for me before was thinking that our relationship would be put on hold until Phil comes home. When he left last summer,  I didn’t know where our relationship stood or if he would ever want to marry me.  That was scary for me because I’m 26.  I’ll be almost 27 when he gets back.  It was scary to put my life on hold for a relationship, when I didn’t even know if we had a future.  Phil and I weren’t really at the point to even discuss marriage when he left.  We’d only been together eight months and I’m sure he didn’t know if I was even going to stick around.  I mean, a lot of women do leave their soldier during deployment.  I never had any intention of doing that, but I’m sure he wondered if I would be like those women.  One thing I’ve always known is that I love him and he’s everything I ever wanted in a man. I couldn’t imagine my life without Phil.   I felt like God answered my prayers, when he put Phil in my life, so I knew I’d just have to be patient and follow the path that God has laid out for me.  It’s not always easy to get what you want in life.

Since Phil’s leave, all of my questions have been answered.  I know now, that our relationship was never put on hold.  It has only continued to grow and mature.  We trust each other so much more, and our love has been tested, not only by the time and distance between us, but also the difficult things that we have gone through together during the deployment.  Our relationship has only gotten stronger through this.  Now, we are both sure that our future will be together. 

I guess that’s why it’s been so much more difficult since Phil’s leave.  We are both so excited to be together again so that we can build our life together.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Leave

So, Phil’s leave is over, and I’m back to blogging.

We had an absolutely wonderful time!  It was better than I could have ever imagined. 

When Phil’s family and I went to pick him up at the airport, I was so nervous.  We had to wait a few hours at the airport for him because they got in later than expected.  As we stood there, waiting, I grew more and more nervous.  I was really excited, but I was nervous about seeing him for the first time in four months.  I don’t really know what I was nervous about.  When he came up the escalator, I couldn’t even manage to get any words out.  We just hugged and kissed.  It was the best hug and kiss I’ve ever had.  It felt so good to be in his arms again.  My heart was bursting with happiness.

Over the next two weeks, we had the most amazing time together.  Being together felt so natural, and we were both so happy to be back together again.  The first night, we stayed at his parents’ house and his dad cooked dinner, but we were both so exhausted that we went to sleep before it was even ready.  The following day, he and I drove up to a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  The cabin was absolutely beautiful, and we had a great time together.  His family came up the second night and stayed for the following two nights.  He and I had a great time, but he was so jetlagged that he slept a lot those first few days.   Additionally, some things happened back at the FOB with some of his buddies, so he was pretty upset about it.  He needed a lot of time to himself, which I gave him.  It made me really sad to see him upset, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it besides give him some time to himself.    I think his family thought he was upset because of something I’d done, but that wasn’t the case.  He talked to me about it, but they probably still don’t know what was really going on.  Nevertheless, he and I had an amazing time together at the cabin.  I loved it.

After we all left the cabin, he and I drove to Athens to go to a gun store.  He had an itch to get a new gun, so throughout the next few days we went to a gun store every single day, sometimes twice a day.   His brother left for Navy boot camp during Phil’s leave, so before he left, he, Phil’s dad, Phil and I all went shooting at the range.  It was only my second time shooting a gun, but I did pretty well.  Phil wanted me to shoot his .357 Smith & Wesson snub-nose revolver because he wanted me to take it back home with me for personal protection.  I shot 50 rounds through that gun.  It was not a fun gun to shoot because of the recoil.  By the time I was done, my hand was bruised and swollen, but I did pretty well. 

Phil and I went to the range a few days later.  This time I did not shoot the .357.  This time, I mainly shot his new .9mm Sig.  I loved it.  It’s a heavier gun and a smaller caliber, so it was a really fun gun to shoot.  I did pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.  I also shot Phil’s M-4 for the first time.  I did awesome!  The target was about ¾ down the lane, and all of my shots were grouped around the bull’s eye.  I even got one shot right through the bull’s eye!  I loved it, and Phil was definitely proud of me. J  I can’t wait til he comes home, so we can go to the range again.



My First M-4 Target



Additionally, during his leave, Phil got us a hotel room in downtown Atlanta.  We were there three nights and had the best time together.  It was a beautiful, upscale hotel.  While we were there, we went to nice restaurants and bars and just enjoyed each other’s company.  I was so happy that we got to spend time alone together.  Just being  alone together was wonderful.  I can’t even explain how happy we were. 

Most of the remaining days of his leave, we spent going to the gym, shopping, running errands, and just enjoying each other’s company.  I know I’ve said it many times, but we were so happy just being together.  The time we spent during Phil’s leave was better than I could have ever imagined, and I am even more in love with him than I ever thought possible.

Before, I loved him so much that I thought it was impossible to love him more, but during Phil’s leave, I fell even more in love with him.  Being together just felt natural and good.  He is such a good man and treats me so well.  He is so sweet to me and is everything and more than I could have ever wanted or looked for in a man.  Our relationship has always been strong, but it is so much stronger now.  This deployment has taught us so many things about what is really important.  The main thing it has taught us is to cherish and enjoy every second we have together.   I think I speak for us both when I say that our love is forever. 

We fell so much more in love with each other during his leave that saying goodbye was so much more difficult than when he left last time.  It was heartbreaking for us both.  Neither of us wanted our time together to end, and we missed each other from the moment he left.  It was so difficult knowing that we wouldn’t be together again for four more months.  Four months doesn’t seem like a long time, but it seems like forever when you’re missing your other half every second of every day.  The only thing that makes it better is knowing that our relationship is so much stronger now.  Just thinking about the love we have makes me feel good inside.

 Valentine’s Day was this week, and it was sad to not have him here with me.  Even though he was in transit back to Afghanistan, he managed to send me the most beautiful flowers.  I put them in my bedroom, and the smell of them reminds me of him and makes me smile.  With the flowers, Phil sent the sweetest note ever.  It made my week, and whenever I’m missing him, I look at the note and it makes me smile again.  I love him so much. 

Now, I’m just trying to get back into the swing of things.  I have a lot of school work to catch up on, and I’m definitely not used to waking up so early.  I was exhausted all week and didn’t work out all week until today.   On top of trying to get used to being back in school, I am still trying to get over the sadness of saying goodbye to Phil again.  The first few days were a huge adjustment.  I got used to being with him during his leave, so it was so sad to not have him here with me.  I don’t know if anyone can understand the heartache that we go through when our soldier leaves.  I was so upset that my stomach was not right for days after Phil left.  What’s worse is that Phil was so sad and lonely too.  Traveling back to Afghanistan alone is so difficult and lonely for the guys, especially after being home with loved ones.  I just wished I could do something to make it better for him.  I’m sad that Phil is gone, but I’m definitely glad he’s back with his buddies, instead of alone in transit. 

These next few months are going to be difficult, but I know we’ll make it through them.  Our relationship is once in a lifetime, and I can’t wait to have him back again so we can continue our life together.  J

Sunday, January 16, 2011

:-)

Not sad anymore. J

Phil and I chatted on Facebook this morning.  He had a long mission today and didn’t get back until late.  He read my blog post from yesterday, so we talked about the phone thing.  I told him that I would never give him an ultimatum or break up with him for not calling very often, that I’m just afraid that we’ll drift apart.  I want our relationship to stay strong because we do have such a good relationship, and I never want to lose him.  I feel much better now. 

We had a really good conversation.  I am so excited for his leave.  He’ll be home in nine days.  We talked about everything we’re going to do on his leave.   We’re going to stay in the cabin in the mountains for three days.  He says the cabin is nicer than the one that we stayed in during his last leave.  The one we stayed in last time was in Gatlinburg and it was absolutely beautiful, with a hot tub, game tables, beautiful views, etc.  I don’t know how anything can be better than that, but I’m definitely excited to see the one he picked out.  Phil is the type of person who will stay in the nicest place possible, even if that means paying a little extra money.  I love that about him.  He works hard to get what he wants. 

I have a lot to do to prepare for his leave, nail appointment, tanning, gym, waxing, shopping, etc.  I still have not decided what I’m going to wear to meet him at the airport.  I’m thinking I’ll wear a sexy sweater dress with some boots, but I’m not sure.  I guess I need to go shopping today and see what I can find.  I’m so excited. 

I’m glad we talked about everything.  I feel a lot better now.  Now, just counting down the days until he’s home and I can hold him again.  J