Waiting

Deployment is a waiting game: waiting for a phone call, so I can hear his voice for the first time in weeks; waiting by the computer, hoping he’ll log in, so I can chat with him and not feel so lonely for those few minutes of the day; waiting to hear anything at all because I haven’t heard from him in days/weeks and am driving myself mad with worry; and most of all, waiting for him to come home.

 The waiting can be maddening and is definitely exhausting, but, in order to make it through, I’ve been forced to learn patience. Much of the patience, I would call “acute” because it is more of a short term thing.  It’s waiting for that next phone call, next e-mail, next IM.  However, the deployment has taught me another type of patience, a more long term type of patience, because in order to even have a chance at a future with the man I love, I had to decide to be patient and wait for him while he went away for a year. 

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   I’ve always tried to live by this verse; when I don’t know where my life is headed, I’ve always prayed for God to show me the way.  I fully believe that God has always done so too, as far as my undergraduate school, law school, and career path are concerned. 

About four years ago, because God had showed me the path so many times before, I decided to start praying for God to send me my perfect man, my husband.  I wrote down a list of all the traits and virtues that I wanted in a man because I decided that God could never answer my prayers if I didn’t even know what I was praying for.  I remember thinking at the time that there could never be one man that would have all of these qualities, but I still wrote them down and prayed every day that God would send me my perfect match.  From the time I wrote that list until I met Phil, over two years later, I did not enter into a relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, I went on dates, but it simply never felt right.  I knew that God had not sent him yet, so I kept praying and waiting. When I met Phil, something just clicked.

However, a few months into our relationship, I found out that Phil was going to be deployed (and that he volunteered to go).  Phil couldn’t really explain why he felt he needed to go, just that he did. At first, I was really hurt and angry that he’d volunteered to leave me, but then I realized that God has a plan for him too, so I went back to praying.  I was so confused.  If this was really the man that God sent for me, then why would He take him away?   Like I’d done so many times before, when I had no idea what to do, I prayed for God to show me the way. 

Then, last 4^th of July, Phil and I went to church with his mom.  It is the only time I’ve been to church in years.  When the pastor told us to open our Bible to Jeremiah 29:12,  I couldn’t believe it.  It was my verse, the verse that has led me through so much in life.  The verse that I wrote on bookmarks in every single one of my casebooks and that is hanging from the rearview mirror in my car. 

It was my verse, and I felt like the sermon that day was especially for me. It was about how sometimes we just have to be patient and God will show us our path when he’s ready, even if it means we have to work for it and be patient, that everything that God has planned for us will not come easy.   I still knew that Phil was my perfect match, so I remember telling God that I would be patient and wait.  That night, I remember telling Phil that I knew he was the man for me and that I’d be here waiting for him when he comes home. I meant it with all my heart.  He left a month later, and I’ve been here, patiently waiting ever since. 

This deployment has been worth every second of the wait because our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.  Our relationship has not been put on hold but has continued to grow and been made stronger through this trial.  Phil is God’s plan for me, but this deployment had taught me not to take that for granted.  I feel like God has shown me the way, and I just have to continue to work for it and be patient, praying for the strength to make it through.