Yesterday I made the 8 hour drive back home and listened to the radio the entire time. I broke down crying about four times during the trip because of the songs that played on the country music stations that I listen to. Phil has been at an OP for a little over a week, and I haven’t heard from him since New Year’s. I know he’s ok because some of the wives of the guys in his squad have spoken with their husbands. Their husbands have international cell phones, so they can call even when they’re up in the mountains at the OP. It’s good to know he’s alright because it helps me not worry so much, but I still miss him like crazy and wonder whether he’s ok. I try to be strong, but when I hear these songs on the radio about soldiers not coming home, I just break down. The worst one is a Carrie Underwood song called, “Just A Dream.”
It’s the same song that made me break down on the way to school when Phil first left, and I hadn’t heard it again until yesterday. I heard it again today too. It starts out with a girl going to the church with her wedding dress on. She’s got something borrowed, something blue, and then she puts her veil down. That’s all fine and good; the listener thinks the girl is at the church for her wedding, but no. The song goes on to say that [the groom] is never coming home, and then the trumpets from the military band begin to play and they hand her the folded flag. She holds on to it because it’s all that she has left of him and what could have been. Then the guns ring one last shot and it feels like a bullet in her heart. The chorus of the song is heartbreaking. It says, “Why’d you have to leave me? Why’d you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know.” The song closes by saying, “Everybody’s saying he’s not coming home now. This can’t be happening to me. This is just a dream.”
While it is a beautiful song, it is my WORST nightmare. I’ve never made it through the whole song because by the beginning of the first chorus, I am sobbing. I actually had to Google the lyrics to be able to actually write about the song here, and yes, reading them made me break down too. It’s such a horribly sad reality for so many loved ones of the soldiers who never came home. It’s heartbreaking.
I’ve been so worried about Phil all week that this song was the last thing I need to hear. I can’t even imagine being in that situation, and right now, I’d give anything to be able to see him and touch him again. I’d give anything to look into his caring blue eyes, and to run my fingers through his short dark hair. I’d give anything to feel his arms around me and to hear his joyful laugh. There is not a moment that goes by in the day when I do not think of him. Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go I see other couples together, laughing, hugging, and holding hands. It makes me so sad and lonely, and jealous, in a way. I just wish they knew what a luxury it is to be with the one you love.
Since Phil left, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I go to school. I study. I run errands. I go to the gym. Life goes on, even though Phil is away, and I still have to do these things, although many days I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing. Even when I’m with friends and family, having a good time, it’s still not the best time because a part of me is still there, lonely, sad, and wishing Phil were here. It’s hard to describe it, other than just going through the motions.
I keep trying to cheer myself up by reminding myself that Phil will be home for leave in two weeks. It doesn’t make it better now, though, because I haven’t heard from him in a week. Once I hear from him, it will be ok again, but now, it just sucks.
Since I only have two weeks left to prepare for Phil’s leave, I’ve decided to start doing the SlimFast diet. It basically consists of two shakes/meal bars per day, one healthy meal (under 500 calories), and three healthy snacks. It’s definitely going to be difficult, but I figure I can handle it for at least two weeks. I really want to look beautiful for Phil when he comes home. He’s never seen me this thin or in shape. We started dating after my first semester of law school, and I was 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started law school. I was feeling so fat and disgusting, but he still thought I was beautiful and sexy. He made me feel so good about myself. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He always makes me feel beautiful. Anyways, I know that he’ll think I’m beautiful regardless, but I still want to be my best for him. He deserves it. He’s so good to me.
He was up at the OP on our anniversary, but he somehow managed to send me a dozen red roses and some chocolates. His note made me cry. It was so sweet. I don’t know if he ordered the flowers before he left or if he ordered them while he was there, but either way, it was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me. He really does make me fall more and more in love with him every day.
I hope I hear from him soon. I guess his squad got back from the OP today, but the phones and internet were down so I didn’t hear from him. I’m so glad they’re back from the OP. At least, I don’t have to worry about that for now. I just wish I could hear his voice.
Hopefully, I’ll hear from him tomorrow, and hopefully, these next two weeks will fly by. We’ll be together again soon. J
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