Leave

So, Phil’s leave is over, and I’m back to blogging.

We had an absolutely wonderful time!  It was better than I could have ever imagined. 

When Phil’s family and I went to pick him up at the airport, I was so nervous.  We had to wait a few hours at the airport for him because they got in later than expected.  As we stood there, waiting, I grew more and more nervous.  I was really excited, but I was nervous about seeing him for the first time in four months.  I don’t really know what I was nervous about.  When he came up the escalator, I couldn’t even manage to get any words out.  We just hugged and kissed.  It was the best hug and kiss I’ve ever had.  It felt so good to be in his arms again.  My heart was bursting with happiness.

Over the next two weeks, we had the most amazing time together.  Being together felt so natural, and we were both so happy to be back together again.  The first night, we stayed at his parents’ house and his dad cooked dinner, but we were both so exhausted that we went to sleep before it was even ready.  The following day, he and I drove up to a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  The cabin was absolutely beautiful, and we had a great time together.  His family came up the second night and stayed for the following two nights.  He and I had a great time, but he was so jetlagged that he slept a lot those first few days.   Additionally, some things happened back at the FOB with some of his buddies, so he was pretty upset about it.  He needed a lot of time to himself, which I gave him.  It made me really sad to see him upset, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it besides give him some time to himself.    I think his family thought he was upset because of something I’d done, but that wasn’t the case.  He talked to me about it, but they probably still don’t know what was really going on.  Nevertheless, he and I had an amazing time together at the cabin.  I loved it.

After we all left the cabin, he and I drove to Athens to go to a gun store.  He had an itch to get a new gun, so throughout the next few days we went to a gun store every single day, sometimes twice a day.   His brother left for Navy boot camp during Phil’s leave, so before he left, he, Phil’s dad, Phil and I all went shooting at the range.  It was only my second time shooting a gun, but I did pretty well.  Phil wanted me to shoot his .357 Smith & Wesson snub-nose revolver because he wanted me to take it back home with me for personal protection.  I shot 50 rounds through that gun.  It was not a fun gun to shoot because of the recoil.  By the time I was done, my hand was bruised and swollen, but I did pretty well. 

Phil and I went to the range a few days later.  This time I did not shoot the .357.  This time, I mainly shot his new .9mm Sig.  I loved it.  It’s a heavier gun and a smaller caliber, so it was a really fun gun to shoot.  I did pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.  I also shot Phil’s M-4 for the first time.  I did awesome!  The target was about ¾ down the lane, and all of my shots were grouped around the bull’s eye.  I even got one shot right through the bull’s eye!  I loved it, and Phil was definitely proud of me. J  I can’t wait til he comes home, so we can go to the range again.



My First M-4 Target



Additionally, during his leave, Phil got us a hotel room in downtown Atlanta.  We were there three nights and had the best time together.  It was a beautiful, upscale hotel.  While we were there, we went to nice restaurants and bars and just enjoyed each other’s company.  I was so happy that we got to spend time alone together.  Just being  alone together was wonderful.  I can’t even explain how happy we were. 

Most of the remaining days of his leave, we spent going to the gym, shopping, running errands, and just enjoying each other’s company.  I know I’ve said it many times, but we were so happy just being together.  The time we spent during Phil’s leave was better than I could have ever imagined, and I am even more in love with him than I ever thought possible.

Before, I loved him so much that I thought it was impossible to love him more, but during Phil’s leave, I fell even more in love with him.  Being together just felt natural and good.  He is such a good man and treats me so well.  He is so sweet to me and is everything and more than I could have ever wanted or looked for in a man.  Our relationship has always been strong, but it is so much stronger now.  This deployment has taught us so many things about what is really important.  The main thing it has taught us is to cherish and enjoy every second we have together.   I think I speak for us both when I say that our love is forever. 

We fell so much more in love with each other during his leave that saying goodbye was so much more difficult than when he left last time.  It was heartbreaking for us both.  Neither of us wanted our time together to end, and we missed each other from the moment he left.  It was so difficult knowing that we wouldn’t be together again for four more months.  Four months doesn’t seem like a long time, but it seems like forever when you’re missing your other half every second of every day.  The only thing that makes it better is knowing that our relationship is so much stronger now.  Just thinking about the love we have makes me feel good inside.

 Valentine’s Day was this week, and it was sad to not have him here with me.  Even though he was in transit back to Afghanistan, he managed to send me the most beautiful flowers.  I put them in my bedroom, and the smell of them reminds me of him and makes me smile.  With the flowers, Phil sent the sweetest note ever.  It made my week, and whenever I’m missing him, I look at the note and it makes me smile again.  I love him so much. 

Now, I’m just trying to get back into the swing of things.  I have a lot of school work to catch up on, and I’m definitely not used to waking up so early.  I was exhausted all week and didn’t work out all week until today.   On top of trying to get used to being back in school, I am still trying to get over the sadness of saying goodbye to Phil again.  The first few days were a huge adjustment.  I got used to being with him during his leave, so it was so sad to not have him here with me.  I don’t know if anyone can understand the heartache that we go through when our soldier leaves.  I was so upset that my stomach was not right for days after Phil left.  What’s worse is that Phil was so sad and lonely too.  Traveling back to Afghanistan alone is so difficult and lonely for the guys, especially after being home with loved ones.  I just wished I could do something to make it better for him.  I’m sad that Phil is gone, but I’m definitely glad he’s back with his buddies, instead of alone in transit. 

These next few months are going to be difficult, but I know we’ll make it through them.  Our relationship is once in a lifetime, and I can’t wait to have him back again so we can continue our life together.  J

:-)

Not sad anymore. J

Phil and I chatted on Facebook this morning.  He had a long mission today and didn’t get back until late.  He read my blog post from yesterday, so we talked about the phone thing.  I told him that I would never give him an ultimatum or break up with him for not calling very often, that I’m just afraid that we’ll drift apart.  I want our relationship to stay strong because we do have such a good relationship, and I never want to lose him.  I feel much better now. 

We had a really good conversation.  I am so excited for his leave.  He’ll be home in nine days.  We talked about everything we’re going to do on his leave.   We’re going to stay in the cabin in the mountains for three days.  He says the cabin is nicer than the one that we stayed in during his last leave.  The one we stayed in last time was in Gatlinburg and it was absolutely beautiful, with a hot tub, game tables, beautiful views, etc.  I don’t know how anything can be better than that, but I’m definitely excited to see the one he picked out.  Phil is the type of person who will stay in the nicest place possible, even if that means paying a little extra money.  I love that about him.  He works hard to get what he wants. 

I have a lot to do to prepare for his leave, nail appointment, tanning, gym, waxing, shopping, etc.  I still have not decided what I’m going to wear to meet him at the airport.  I’m thinking I’ll wear a sexy sweater dress with some boots, but I’m not sure.  I guess I need to go shopping today and see what I can find.  I’m so excited. 

I’m glad we talked about everything.  I feel a lot better now.  Now, just counting down the days until he’s home and I can hold him again.  J

Sad

Phil comes home for leave soon, and I couldn’t be more excited.  I was sad today, though.

I don’t really know why I was sad today.  There really was no particular reason for my feeling down.

This morning, I woke up in a start because I had a bad dream about rats.  It’s random, I know.  I guess I shouldn’t read the news anymore before I go to bed.  Last night I read a weird news article about an inmate suing a jail because a rat bit his penis.  Anyways, my bad dream about rats is what startled me awake this morning. 

As soon as I woke up, I was STARVING.  I’m still doing the SlimFast diet, so I drank one of their shakes.  It did not help with my hunger. I guess I was extra hungry because I went to the gym two times yesterday, for a total of three hours.   Whatever the reason, I was starving and not being able to eat kind of put me in a grouchy mood.  After I drank the shake, Phil logged into Facebook and we chatted for a while. 

It was not the best conversation.  Usually, we have great conversations, even since he’s been deployed.  Today, he seemed a little distant.  I don’t know if anything happened there that upset him, but he just didn’t seem like himself.  I try not to pressure him to talk about things if he doesn’t want to, and I try not to take it personally if he’s not in the best mood. 

At one point, I asked him if he’d call me before I see him next week.  He hasn’t called since New Years.  He said he hasn’t felt much like talking lately.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me or miss me, and all the other girls regularly talk with their soldiers.  He responded that most of the other guys have never been deployed and are calling to try and make it seem like they’re home.  He said that they don’t understand that everyone’s life goes on while they’re away, and they’ll have a rude awakening when they get back.

I just don’t understand that reasoning, and it makes me sad.  I feel like he doesn’t miss me because he thinks that calling me is trying to make it seem like he’s here.  It makes me feel like he doesn’t miss me and it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be a part of my life. I just don’t understand. 

It scares me because I don’t know how long this relationship can last if he never calls me.  That’s a scary thing to acknowledge, and it’s scary to say.    Phil is everything I’ve ever wanted and he’s so good to me.  I do not want to lose him.  He’s my world.   I don’t know what to do at this point.  I mean, I’ve told him that I want him to call more often, that it hurts that he doesn’t.  I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or miss me.  So, now I either need to just accept it or not.  He’ll be home soon, so I guess I need to just put it aside, for the time being.  I just don’t know what to do…..

I guess that’s why I’m sad today. L

Success!

School started this week, and it’s been a pretty good week, all in all.

Phil comes home in 11 days!!!  I AM SO EXCITED!!! I just cannot wait to put my arms around him again and feel his arms around me.  We’re planning on getting a cabin for a few days in the North Georgia mountains.  It’s just going to be the two of us for the first few days and then his family is going to come up for a night.  It’s going to be so nice to spend time with him alone, enjoying each other’s company.  I have missed him so much. 

I’ve been working so hard since he’s been gone.  I just wanted to make him proud and show him that I can be strong and not fall apart without him here.  He has enough to worry about there, so I need him to know that he does not need to worry about me too, that I can be the strong woman he needs.  When he left, I threw myself into school and into getting in shape.

 I finally got my grades back for last semester.  It was my best semester yet.  J  I would have liked to do better, but considering all the things I had to deal with this semester and how many classes I took (16 hours), I’m pretty proud of myself.  Saying goodbye to Phil was THE most difficult thing I’ve ever done.  It was heartbreaking to look into his eyes and kiss him goodbye, knowing that I may never have the chance to do that again.  It’s something that none of us like to think or talk about, but the reality is that when we say our goodbyes, we don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again.  After Phil left, I was an emotional wreck.  I felt like I was on the verge of tears, every second.  All I wanted to do was stay home and cry, but I couldn’t because of school.  I went to class every day and put on a happy face, even though, inside, I felt crippled.  I wanted to do well in school, though, so I bucked down and got it done.  I’m really proud of myself for that.   Additionally, I’m proud of my success with Operation: Get Hot.

When Phil left for training in August, I was the heaviest that I have been in about three years.  I gained 15 pounds the first semester of law school, so when we started dating I was feeling pretty disgusting.  That was about a year ago.  Since then, I have been battling, trying to get back to the weight that I was before law school.  I’d lose a few pounds during each semester, and then finals would come along, and I’d spend all my time studying, snacking, and not working out.  Each semester, during finals, I gained back the weight I’d lost.  Well, last semester, I broke that cycle.  When Phil left, I made the goal to lose 15- 20 pounds.  It was a huge battle for me because in September, I broke my arm and strained the ligaments in my wrist.  I couldn’t work out for almost two months.  However, in November, I got back to working out.  As of now, I have lost 14 pounds.  I started the SlimFast diet this week.  I hope I can lose a few more in the next 11 days.  I only have one pound to go to reach my pre-law school weight, but I’d like to lose a total of seven more.  The last ten pounds, vanity pounds, are supposedly the most difficult to lose, though.  Even if I don’t lose any more, I’m still proud of losing 14 pounds.  It doesn’t seem like much, but it was not easy.    I hope Phil thinks I’m HOTTT when he sees me. J

I only have 11 more days of waiting.  I hope it goes by quickly!  J 

Just A Dream

Yesterday I made the 8 hour drive back home and listened to the radio the entire time.  I broke down crying about four times during the trip because of the songs that played on the country music stations that I listen to.  Phil has been at an OP for a little over a week, and I haven’t heard from him since New Year’s.  I know he’s ok because some of the wives of the guys in his squad have spoken with their husbands. Their husbands have international cell phones, so they can call even when they’re up in the mountains at the OP.  It’s good to know he’s alright because it helps me not worry so much, but I still miss him like crazy and wonder whether he’s ok.  I try to be strong, but when I hear these songs on the radio about soldiers not coming home, I just break down.  The worst one is a Carrie Underwood song called, “Just A Dream.”

It’s the same song that made me break down on the way to school when Phil first left, and I hadn’t heard it again until yesterday.  I heard it again today too.  It starts out with a girl going to the church with her wedding dress on.  She’s got something borrowed, something blue, and then she puts her veil down.  That’s all fine and good; the listener thinks the girl is at the church for her wedding, but no.  The song goes on to say that [the groom] is never coming home, and then the trumpets from the military band begin to play and they hand her the folded flag.  She holds on to it because it’s all that she has left of him and what could have been.  Then the guns ring one last shot and it feels like a bullet in her heart.  The chorus of the song is heartbreaking.  It says, “Why’d you have to leave me?  Why’d you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know.”  The song closes by saying, “Everybody’s saying he’s not coming home now.  This can’t be happening to me.  This is just a dream.” 

While it is a beautiful song, it is my WORST nightmare.  I’ve never made it through the whole song because by the beginning of the first chorus, I am sobbing.  I actually had to Google the lyrics to be able to actually write about the song here, and yes, reading them made me break down too.  It’s such a horribly sad reality for so many loved ones of the soldiers who never came home.  It’s heartbreaking. 

I’ve been so worried about Phil all week that this song was the last thing I need to hear.  I can’t even imagine being in that situation, and right now, I’d give anything to be able to see him and touch him again.  I’d give anything to look into his caring blue eyes, and to run my fingers through his short dark hair.  I’d give anything to feel his arms around me and to hear his joyful laugh.   There is not a moment that goes by in the day when I do not think of him.  Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go I see other couples together, laughing, hugging, and holding hands. It makes me so sad and lonely, and jealous, in a way.  I just wish they knew what a luxury it is to be with the one you love. 

Since Phil left, I feel like I’m just going through the motions.  I go to school. I study.  I run errands. I go to the gym.  Life goes on, even though Phil is away, and I still have to do these things, although many days I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing.  Even when I’m with friends and family, having a good time, it’s still not the best time because a part of me is still there, lonely, sad, and wishing Phil were here.  It’s hard to describe it, other than just going through the motions. 

I keep trying to cheer myself up by reminding myself that Phil will be home for leave in two weeks.  It doesn’t make it better now, though, because I haven’t heard from him in a week.  Once I hear from him, it will be ok again, but now, it just sucks. 

Since I only have two weeks left to prepare for Phil’s leave, I’ve decided to start doing the SlimFast diet.  It basically consists of two shakes/meal bars per day, one healthy meal (under 500 calories), and three healthy snacks.  It’s definitely going to be difficult, but I figure I can handle it for at least two weeks.  I really want to look beautiful for Phil when he comes home.   He’s never seen me this thin or in shape.  We started dating after my first semester of law school, and I was 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started law school.  I was feeling so fat and disgusting, but he still thought I was beautiful and sexy.  He made me feel so good about myself.  That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He always makes me feel beautiful.  Anyways, I know that he’ll think I’m beautiful regardless, but I still want to be my best for him.  He deserves it.  He’s so good to me.

He was up at the OP on our anniversary, but he somehow managed to send me a dozen red roses and some chocolates.  His note made me cry.  It was so sweet.  I don’t know if he ordered the flowers before he left or if he ordered them while he was there, but either way, it was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me.  He really does make me fall more and more in love with him every day.

I hope I hear from him soon.  I guess his squad got back from the OP today, but the phones and internet were down so I didn’t hear from him.  I’m so glad they’re back from the OP.  At least, I don’t have to worry about that for now.  I just wish I could hear his voice. 

Hopefully, I’ll hear from him tomorrow, and hopefully, these next two weeks will fly by.  We’ll be together again soon.   J

Not So Happy Holidays

I haven’t felt much like blogging lately.

This holiday season was really rough.  I’m so glad I was home with my family.  Being home made it a little better, but it was still a sad time for me.  I miss Phil so much.  We started dating this time last year, so the memories of last year were always on my mind and I missed spending my winter break with him.  I just remember how happy I was with Phil last year. 

I spent a lot of time with my family and Phil’s family.  Being with my family is different, though, because no matter how hard they try to understand, I can’t help but feel like they just don’t.  It’s difficult.  It’s hard to be strong all the time, when so many days, I feel like I’m on the verge of tears every second.  I try to put it to the back of my mind, but some days it’s impossible.

New Years was the roughest day so far.  It was so sad to be without Phil and he’s been at an OP for the past week, so I hadn’t heard from him in a few days.  I went to a country concert at a bar with my mom and her friends for New Year’s Eve.  I did not have a good time, though.  I was sad and didn’t want to affect anyone else’s fun.  They just don’t understand how hard it is.  During the countdown, I went to the bathroom and cried.  I just couldn’t watch all those other couples kissing at midnight.  It was so sad and lonely.  On top of missing Phil because of New Years, I was sad because New Year’s day was our anniversary.  We’d been dating since December, but we officially got together on New Year’s day last year.  I miss Phil so much.  He makes me so happy. 

Christmas was, surprisingly, not too bad.  Phil called me Christmas morning and we talked for a while.  I opened my gifts from him while we were on the phone.  He’s so sweet.  He sent me some perfume, clothes from Express (my favorite store, and some clothes from Victoria’s Secret.  I love the gifts he sent me.  He’s always so thoughtful.  I spent Christmas morning with my family and went over to his parents’ house in the evening.  We had a good time, although it was bittersweet.  We were all really missing Phil.  I was especially sad when it started snowing that night.  We had the first white Christmas in a hundred years and Phil wasn’t here to see it.  L

Since Christmas, I’ve spent my days at the gym, mainly.  I’ve been going to the gym twice a day to try to get in shape.  Phil’s leave is going to be earlier than it was supposed to be. J He’s coming home at the end of January instead of in February because his brother is leaving for Navy boot camp at the beginning of February, and Phil didn’t want to miss seeing him.  One of the guys in Phil’s squad switched his leave dates with Phil.  That was really nice of him, and I hope he and his wife know how much we appreciate it. I thanked both of them on Facebook, and they said they are happy they could help. 

Phil is still at the OP, but he managed to text me on New Year’s eve from someone else’s phone.  That was sweet of him.  I haven’t heard from him since.  I just want to hear from him soon.  I miss him so much. 

I will be driving back to school at the end of the week.  I’m not ready.  I don’t want to go back at all.  I just don’t feel like doing anything, but I know it will help to see all my friends there.  Everyone is really supportive at school.  It helps a lot.  I just have to keep reminding myself that Phil will be back for leave in just a few weeks.   Everything will be ok. 

 

The Break Begins (FINALLY!!!)

Today was the second day of my Christmas break.  It was a good day.

Phil called this morning, and we talked for about 45 minutes.  He seems to be doing well, and it was a great conversation.  We talked and laughed about all kinds of things and everything that’s been going on this week. 

On Tuesday afternoon, I took my last final.  Phil tried to call that morning before the exam, but for some reason, my stupid phone didn’t ring.  It didn’t even show the missed calls. It really upset me that I missed his calls.  He has never been one to talk on the phone much, so when he does call it’s a huge treat.  We did chat online that morning, but I was still disappointed that I missed his calls.  Him calling today was probably better, though,  because I was pretty busy Tuesday morning, getting ready for my exam and packing for winter break.   We definitely were able to talk much longer today than we would have been able to on Tuesday.

After my exam on Tuesday, I drove home to my mom’s house, to spend Christmas with my family.  It was a miserable eight hour drive.  Recently, the fan in my car stopped working, so the heat doesn’t work.  The low temperature on Tuesday night was 17 degrees.  Brrrrrrr…. Yesterday was really cold too, but it warmed up today, which I was very thankful for because I’ve had a million errands to run these last two days.

Yesterday, I went to Phil’s gym and talked to them about getting a membership for the month that I’m in town.  A one month membership is usually $65, but because they like Phil and me, they gave me the membership for $35.  Phil is so sweet.  He paid for my membership. It’s so cold here that I can’t go running outside, and I’m trying to lose weight, so working out through the holidays is imperative.   I worked out today.  J  It was ROUGH! I hadn’t worked out since Saturday because of my final, so my run was very difficult to complete today.  I made myself get through it, though.  Phil’s brother met me at the gym later and we did weights together.  Phil, his brother, and I used to work out together all the time, so it was nice working out with his brother again.  It motivates me more too, so I don’t slack off.  We’re going to work out tomorrow too. 

I’m going over to Phil’s parents’ tomorrow for dinner.  I went over there last night and helped his mom wrap Christmas gifts, but his dad wasn’t there.  He was stuck in traffic for over five hours last night because the weather was so bad.  Traffic in Atlanta is absolute chaos if there’s any kind of ice or snow on the ground.  There was 180 auto accidents yesterday evening during rush hour.  It will be nice to spend time with his family.  Sometimes it’s difficult to find time to spend time with my mom, my dad, and Phil’s family.  I love all of them and I love spending time with all of them, so I’m trying to figure it out. 

Something nice happened today. My mom’s friend called me to get Phil’s address.  A while ago, I made a wish list on Amazon of all the stuff Phil wants and needs and update it as he tells me what he needs.  I try to get as much of it as possible, but because I live on a limited budget and have no income, I obviously can’t send everything.  I e-mailed the list to my mom, and I guess my mom forwarded it to some of her friends.   Phil is running out of the hand and foot warmers that I sent when he first got to Afghanistan, so I mentioned it to my mom and added them to his Amazon list.  My mom’s friend ordered them for Phil today. I’m glad Phil will have the body warmers he needs, and it’s really touching that my mom’s friend cares enough to send them to him.  I know he’ll appreciate it. 

I think tomorrow will be a good day.  I’m going to mail some Popular Science Magazines to Phil. He asked for them a few months ago so I subscribed to the magazine then.  However, I just now started receiving them.  I received three months’ worth of magazines the other day.  It’s kind of more convenient for me to send them all at once, so I’m not really worried about it.  I’m going to mail a Christmas card with them. 

 When I was picking that card out the other day, I almost broke down crying in the middle of the store.  It was really sad, reading all of the Christmas cards, knowing that Phil won’t be here to celebrate.  At least,  I made it out to my car before I started crying.  I still hate crying.  It makes me feel so weak and once I start crying, I feel like I’ll never be able to stop.  Other than that breakdown and the disappointment about missing Phil’s phone calls, it’s been a pretty good week.   It’s been busy and exhausting, but the week has generally been good.  I’m still having trouble sleeping, but at least being around family and keeping busy has made the month go by fast.  Phil will be home less than two months from now!!! J 

Hopefully, tomorrow WILL be a good day, and hopefully, I’ll hear from Phil again. J