Breakdown

I am so glad to be going home tomorrow.

I feel like any minute I’m going to have a breakdown.  These past few days have been non-stop stress and I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I think I’ve only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks.  I just can’t sleep.  I try to go to bed at a decent time, but I just end up laying in my bed for hours thinking about everything.  I’ve tried listening to meditations, but I still end up getting sidetracked by all of my thoughts.  Working out does not help and I even cut out caffeine. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, I still can’t sleep.

 I am so stressed out about finals.  My first final is a week from tomorrow, and I feel like I don’t know anything at all.  I’m going to try to go to the library at lunch tomorrow and make copies of practice problems and print the outlines that I have completed already.  I’ve completed outlines for my first two finals, so at least I have that done. 

I finished packing tonight, but I still have to get up early tomorrow to gather up the rest of my things and put gas and oil in my car.  I’m heading out of town right after class tomorrow, so I need to have everything done before then.  I’m kind of nervous about driving so late at night, especially right before Thanksgiving.  I’m used to driving home late at night because all year I’ve driven up to see Phil every weekend, and I’d have to drive all night to get there.  I’m nervous, though, because I’ve been so exhausted lately and the traffic during Thanksgiving is always really bad. I’d drive up on Wednesday, but I know the traffic will be much worse the day before Thanksgiving. I was even contemplating staying here for the week, but I know I need to see my family and Phil’s family, just for my sanity’s sake.  I hope everything will be ok.

I’ve also been stressed out because the other wife, hereinafter Wife 1, is still causing a lot of drama.  Apparently, one of the other guys called his wife, hereinafter Wife 2, the other day and said that the guys have been fighting about this stupid nonsense.  Phil hadn’t mentioned it to me and I hadn’t told him what was going on, so when wife 2 told me that the guys were fighting about it, I was obviously confused.  Like I said, Phil wasn’t even aware of the situation, as far as I knew.  I told Wife 2 this, and I guess she texted Wife 1, who told her that I was the one who told Phil about it.   Wife 1 told Wife 2 that I told Phil and he confronted Wife 1’s husband about it, and he told her. That’s obviously a lie. 

 Ugh… I just wish this girl would just stop with the drama.  I am not concerned about it anymore.  I apologized to her and tried to make things right.  That’s all I can do and I’m not going to waste any more time dealing with her drama.  She can accept that and move on or not. She can like me or not. I don’t care anymore.  I did what I could to make amends.  Her causing drama with the guys, though, is another story.  They are in Afghanistan.  They need this stupid drama even less than I do.

Anyways, when I talked to Phil today, I mentioned what Wife 2 said about the guys fighting, and he had no idea what she was talking about.  He didn’t know about any of it, and got mad that “the girls” are causing all this drama.  I wish I wouldn’t have mentioned it now because I don’t want to be included with “the girls.”  I am not the one causing any of this drama.  I don’t know if he was mad at me.  I hope not.  I have not tried to cause any drama, which is the main reason I didn’t say anything, in the first place, to Wife 1 about her original offensive comment.  I didn’t want there to be any drama.  I just wish she’d drop it.  It doesn’t really matter whether she likes me or not.  Our job right now is to support our soldier and make things easier for him, not make things more difficult. 

Ughhhh…. All of this is so stupid to me.  I hope Phil sees that I haven’t done anything to cause any of this nonsense.  He still doesn’t’ know what happened because I’m not worried about it and he doesn’t need to either.  It’s stupid. 

*Sigh* Did I already say that I’m so glad to be going home tomorrow? 

Panic Mode!!!

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

That was me screaming.  I AM SO TIRED OF STUDYING!!!  I have been in my apartment, studying all weekend.  I got a lot done, but I still feel like I don’t know anything.  I’m going home in two days for Thanksgiving, and I am starting to worry if I’ve gotten enough done.  *Sigh* 

I’ve been trying to manage my stress by going to the gym and running on the treadmill.  I went four times last week.  I have been watching my diet, but I’ve only lost about a pound.  I lost more weight when I wasn’t exercising, but I need to run to release all of this negative energy.  I normally battle anxiety anyway, so Phil’s deployment and final exams bring it to unbearable levels when I don’t exercise.  Talking to Phil helps too, though. 

I talked to Phil yesterday morning via Facebook chat.  It was a really good conversation.  We joked around and teased each other a little bit. J  It was comforting.  He said he was going out today and that I should hear from him today, but I didn’t.  I’ve been pretty worried, but I know he’s ok.  I just hope I’ll hear from him tomorrow.  I have so much stress already, so hearing from him will definitely make it better. 

He actually called me on Friday morning.  It was GREAT to hear his voice.  It was a really good conversation, although we only talked about 20 minutes.  When he ran out of time on the phone, he logged on Facebook and we chatted for a while. We talked for about an hour, and I was late to class.  I didn’t care.  After class, I talked to my professor and apologized for being late.  When I told her why I was late, she said that I had a good reason. When I returned home from my class, I had a package outside my door from Phil. 

Last week, Phil sent me some gifts for my birthday.  He was unable to send them before because of the problem with his debit card.  He bought me some stuff from Victoria’s Secret that I’d told him that I wanted, and he sent me some sweaters from Express.  He said I should be receiving another gift soon too.  He’s so sweet to me.  Even though he’s on the other side of the world, I still love him more and more every day.  I’m really blessed to have him.

If you ever wonder about true love, put an ocean between it. 

Foolish Drama

So, I got my response from the other wife.  Here’s the transcript of our conversation:

November 17 at 1:09pm

(Wife),

I'm not sure what your problem with me is. I have tried to be nice and encouraging to you. I mean, we're all in this together. We don't have to be friends, and, frankly, that's your choice. I wish you the best.

Best Regards,
Rachel

_______________________________

November 17 at 8:49pm
Rachel,
My reason for defriending you is because I do not need negative people in my life. It's one thing to "be nice and encourage me" to my face and then turn around and write about me on the internet INSTEAD of confronting me like a grown woman and asking me about why I responded to your comment in the way that I did. I would of said "I'm sorry Rachel I wasn't trying to be rude at all and I apologize if that's how I came across to you." Bam! Problem solved!!!! I'm not sorry anymore. You don't know me and don't even act like you know me. I don't know you and now I really don't want to anymore. I may be young, but I am not naive. Since I am "rude" all I have to say to you is grow up and put your big girl panties on. Especially if you plan on being an Army wife someday. It's not easy. I strongly suggest the next time you have a problem with someone to not do the whole high school thing and write about them on the internet and then complain about them to your boyfriend in afghanistan who has a million other things to stress out about then some "rude" bitch like me being "rude" to you. THAT is rude, selfish, and extremely juvenile. I wish I could say that I wish you the best but I do not believe you are genuine in wishing me the same. Best of luck to you and Phil getting through this deployment.
-(Wife)

______________________________

November 17 at 9:21pm

(Wife),

I’m sorry you feel that way about me.  First, I have no ill feelings toward you, even after your last message.

 Second, my blog is my journal.  I write about how I feel, just like you do.  You don’t have to explain it to anyone and neither do I.  I chose to make my blog public so that my friends and family can know what I’m really going through.

 Third, the first thing you need to know about being grown is when a confrontation is really necessary.  It was not necessary in that instance.  I was not mad then and I’m not mad now.  I was just writing about my feelings.  That’s the point of a journal, and I did not name you specifically.

Finally, I did not complain to Phil about this.  He and I talk about everything.  He is not worried about it and neither am I. 

As I stated before, I have no ill feelings toward you, and I wish you the best.  I wish you wouldn’t be like this, but that’s your decision.

Best Regards,

Rachel

______________________________

November 17 at 9:26pm

Yes. It is my decision. Best wishes to you as well.

WOW!!!  All I have to say is, seriously?????  First of all, to give a little context, here’s the offending post:

Another reason today was kind of bad is because one of the wives was pretty rude to me this morning.  I had posted something on my Facebook about talking to Phil twice yesterday, and she commented that she hadn’t heard from her husband in four days.  I really felt bad for her because I know that I’d be freaking out by now if I hadn’t heard from Phil in four days. When I talked to Phil this morning, I mentioned it, and he told me that her husband was just somewhere where there are no phones and that he’s ok. I relayed this message to her, thinking that she’d appreciate just knowing that he’s ok.  Instead, she responded by saying, “Thanks, but that’s my honest to God soulmate, out there in a land where the enemy has absolutely no respect for human life, so telling me not to worry is like telling the sun not to shine so much.”

Ummmmm…. Excuse me, but doesn’t she think that I feel the exact same way.  Just because Phil and I are not married yet, does not mean that I love him any less than she loves her husband, and Phil is in that same place with him.  I know she’s young, so maybe she just doesn’t understand that all of us are going through the same thing, but it makes me want to not worry about her and not let her know that her husband is ok.  That’s not the right thing to do, and I would want an update about Phil, if the situation were reversed. *Sigh*

Honestly, I don’t feel like I’ve handled the situation in anything but the most mature and respectable manner.  I feel like I neither personally attacked her nor talked about her behind her back. 

This blog is my journal.  I thought I made that clear.  It is a place where I write about how I am feeling and the things that are going on in my life.  I chose to make it public, because, as I stated earlier, I want Phil, my friends, and family to know what I’m going through and what my life is like while he’s deployed.  I know that my family desperately wants to know how I’m feeling, so that they can better help me through this difficult time.  Sometimes these types of conversations are difficult, face-to-face, so this is my way of sharing with them.  I also want anyone who reads my blog to know what deployments are really like for the loved ones of the soldiers.  It’s one thing for someone to be sympathetic, but it’s another to be empathetic.  I want people to really KNOW what it’s like, not just be understanding of the situation.  I hope that’s what my blog does.

 I hope the emotion of my words leap off the page into your heart because the truth of the matter is that my heart feels like it’s breaking every moment that he’s not here.  The only relief I ever feel is during the few moments a day that I speak to him.  Please note that I use the term “speak” loosely because I have not actually heard his voice in 18 days.  However, I wouldn’t trade our Facebook chats for anything in the world because it at least means that I get to hear from him and know he’s ok. 

Now, as for the wife, I will continue to be kind to her, regardless of how rude she is to me.  I refuse to bring myself down to that level.  It is not only unbecoming, but it is also unnecessary and immature.  I’m sorry that she feels that way about me, but I cannot do anything about that and will not waste any more of my energy on it.  Although I do not feel that I owe anyone an explanation for what I write here, I explained to her why I did not discuss the situation with her.  One of the most important things I’ve ever learned is that you have to choose your battles.  Some battles are just not worth fighting.  This was just not something that I felt warranted a confrontation.  I was just taken aback by it at the time, but it was not something that was serious enough to require further discussion. 

As far as her response goes, I honestly think she wanted to try to get a rise out of me with her personal attacks, but I cannot give her that satisfaction.  I have never understood why people, when they are upset about what others think of them, go on to prove that they are, in fact, that way.  It doesn’t make sense.  However, I will say that I do not appreciate her condescending attitude.  

 

Anyways, as far as this situation is concerned, I’ve said what I needed to.  I’m sorry if I have offended anyone by my earlier posts or if I offend anyone in the future.  I will never identify anyone by name in my posts, other than Phil and myself, but I will write about things in my life and I will write about how I feel about them. 

A Long Conversation :-)

I talked to Phil for a long time today on Facebook.  J

We talked about everything from what he wants to do during his R & R to what we want for Christmas.  It was a really good conversation. 

He’s supposed to be back in February, so he should be here for Valentine’s Day.  I told him that I’d really like to go away together for a few days, alone.  I don’t want to be selfish and I’ll do whatever he wants to do, but I think it’s really important for our relationship to have some time alone together.  As much as I love his family, I don’t want to share his attention the entire time he’s home, especially since we’ll probably be staying at their house and will not have many moments alone together.  I just want it to be us for a few days, enjoying each other’s company, and doing whatever we want to do, without worrying about what anyone else wants to do or who else is around.  He said that we can do that, at least for Valentine’s Day.  I think I’ll be really disappointed if it doesn’t happen.  I hope we can get it worked out so that it does. 

We talked about Christmas too.  He said he’ll let me know what he wants/needs.  I guess it takes about a month for mail to get there normally, so I have to send his Christmas gifts at the beginning of next week, even though they still might not get there in time.  I already sent him a few things, though, so at least he’ll have those.  I told him that he better not open them until Christmas, though, because Santa will know.  He just laughed at me.  Hahaha… I’m such a nerd sometimes. 

He asked me what I want, but I really can’t think of anything.  I mean, clothes are nice.  I’m too cheap to buy my favorite Express clothes for myself.  He was funny though, because he said he finds it hard to believe that that’s all I want.  It’s funny how you want all kinds of things until someone asks what you want, and then you can’t think of anything.  Oh well… All I really want is for him to come home, safe and sound (and for us to have a little get-away during his R & R). 

He also asked about his family and how they’re doing.  I’m glad that I have such a good relationship with his family and that we talk all the time.  I think this deployment would be much more difficult on him and on the rest of us if we weren’t so close.  Every time I hear from him, I make sure to let his family know that he’s ok.  I’m so excited to go back home next week and spend time with our families for a while.  It’s definitely lonely without them.

Phil and I also talked about the other wife, the one who was so rude to me last week.  Apparently, she decided to “defriend” me on Facebook.  I’m not exactly sure why she did it.  I’ve always been encouraging and friendly to her, so I don’t know what her problem is with me.  I sent her a message, asking her why she “defriended” me, but she has yet to respond.  I guess she doesn’t understand that we’re all in this together. We don’t have to be friends, but we will still be seeing each other from time to time. It’s always good to remain on good terms in situations like this.  Oh well… Like I said before, she’s young, and maybe just doesn’t know.  Of course, I will continue to be friendly and polite whenever I see her.  I can’t control her actions or decisions, but I can control how I represent myself.  Additionally, I don’t really care whether she likes me or not; it’s really no skin off my nose.  I’m more inquisitive over what her reasons are.  It’s whatever though.  I graduated from high school seven years ago, and this is childish nonsense. 

Speaking of high school, I recently got back into contact with one of my friends from high school, who I haven’t talked to since graduation.  Her husband is in the Army as well.  He just left for a year-long tour in Iraq, helping to close down the bases there.  She has a little baby, too.  I know that must be difficult.  She’ll be going back home for the Holidays, so hopefully we can get together.

Phil said that he was finally able to set up a phone account, so hopefully he’ll call tomorrow.  He said that it won’t be active for 24 hours. I can’t wait to talk to him. J

Operation: Get Hot

So, I’ve been neglecting my blog posts the past few days. :-/

I’ve been busy with school work.  Next Tuesday is my last day of classes, so I’ve been working my butt off trying to get all of my schoolwork done.  My memo for Criminal Procedure is due on Thursday, so I worked on it all weekend.  I was a little stressed out about it because the case materials were so long and there were a million issues that could be discussed.  However, there’s only a five page limit, so I had to talk about each issue less in-depth as I’d like to.  I’m pretty much done with the assignment, but I’m going to go back and talk about the arrest and search warrants and the probable cause and unreasonableness issues with them.  That shouldn’t take too long, though, because there’s a cut and dry test for those issues.  I’ll probably work on getting it completed tomorrow morning before my Constitutional Law II class.  Either way, there's no way it can hurt my grade.  It can only help, so I guess that takes off some of the pressure, although I'd like my professor not to think I'm a moron.… *sigh* I just have to keep telling myself that it’ll all pay off in the end. 

Phil and I have chatted on Facebook every day recently.  He’s been really busy.  They finally got back to the base, but the base got hit a few nights ago, so he’s had to help with that.  I'm glad no one was injured. I've been worried about him, but what is the worst is simply missing him. It's hurts so bad without him, but I love talking to him.  Somehow, it always makes everything ok. 

He’s coming home for R & R in the beginning of February.  I’m so excited!!!  I thought it was going to be in March or April, so I’m happy I don’t have to wait that long.  However, I realized that I only have 2 and a half months to get in awesome shape for when he comes back.

Now, I’m in double panic mode.  I’ve got finals coming up, and I have to try to lose weight too.  Dieting will not be easy during the holidays, but I really want to feel good about my body when he comes back.  I want to surprise him. J   I know he’ll think I’m hot, regardless, because when we started dating, he thought I was hot, and I was eight pounds heavier than I am now.  I felt disgusting, but he still fell in love me and thought I was hot. J

I’ve lost 13 pounds already since he left in August, but I’d like to lose ten more.  I’d be happy with six or seven though (pre-law school weight).  These last ten pounds will be difficult to get off.  I can do it though.  I went running on Friday, Saturday, and on Monday, logging seven miles.  Plus, last night (Monday), I did about 200 flutter kicks. Today though, OMG!!! My abs are so sore today!  The soreness kind of snuck up on me too. This morning I woke up and went to my first class, kind of surprised that I wasn’t sore.  However, by the time my last class was over, my abs were screaming every time I moved. I guess I jinxed myself. So anyways, Operation Get Hot has officially begun: today is day 2.

 Hopefully, I’ll reach my goal with time to spare, but we all know I’m a procrastinator, so I’ll probably be sweating it out till the last few hours.

One Month Down

Today marks a month that Phil has been gone.

It hasn’t been a great day. 

Phil and I talked this morning via Facebook chat.  He had a pretty bad day and wasn’t feeling well, so he didn’t feel like talking on the phone.  I understand.  I’m just glad I got to talk to him.  I just wish I could make things better for him.  The last couple of days have been pretty bad there, plus he hasn’t been feeling well.  I just wish I could hug him and tell him everything is going to be ok.  It breaks my heart for him, and I’m glad he feels like he can talk to me about anything. Today, Phil told me that he’ll love me forever.  J It made me happy.  I’ll love him forever too.  I hope he’ll be my husband one day.  He’s everything I ever prayed for, and I thank God every day that he’s my boyfriend.  I hope Phil knows that.  I tell him all the time, but I don’t know if he really believes me.

 It was a good conversation, even though it made me worried and sad.

 The rest of the day, was ok.  I went to my Federal Income Tax class after I talked to him.  It was really boring, and I had a hard time concentrating.  After class, I just went home, ate lunch and did laundry.   A little while later, I started feeling really anxious, so I went to the gym.  It’s virtually impossible to feel anxious after running a couple miles.  I like going to the gym at my school too because, not only does it get me out of my apartment, but I also usually see some of my friends at the gym. It helps me get my mind off of my worries for a little bit.  The anxiety is usually the worst at night, so going to the gym in the evening really helps me.  I hope my legs aren’t too sore to go back tomorrow.  I ran two miles tonight.  J

One month down, 8 months to go!  We WILL get through this!

Veteran's Day

Today is Veteran’s Day. 

Before I went to bed last night, I sent messages to all of the Veterans I know, thanking them for their service.  Last night was technically Veteran’s Day, because I’m a night owl and find it virtually impossible to go to bed before midnight.  Of course, I sent a message to Phil, and then I sent messages to all of Phil’s buddies who served with him in Iraq.  Their responses made me sad though, because they all said that they rarely get any thanks for what they’ve done. 

Americans don’t seem to grasp what these soldiers actually gave up.  Not only did they give up so much time out of their lives, away from their home and family, but they were also ready and willing to give up everything, including their life, for our country. Many of them have chronic moderate to severe back and/or knee pain from carrying around 125 pounds of equipment for long periods of time.Not only have they sacrificed their physical health, but also their mental and emotional health.  Many of them remain undiagnosed and untreated, but suffer from PTSD.  Many of them remain forever scarred by the things they witnessed while serving our country.


"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." -Jose Narosky

 Americans like to say that they appreciate our Veterans, but their treatment of them says different.  They like to think they’re patriotic because they post a thank you message on their Facebook status, but they may never understand what these soldiers have really done for our country.   These soldiers gave up so much as part of their duty to this country.  Even non-supporters of the war should be able to appreciate that.  These soldiers did not declare war on these countries, they just did their duty.  I just wish people really understood what it means to be a veteran and would say thank you more often than just on Veteran’s Day.

Now, getting off my soap box…

 I talked to Phil this morning.  He had a rough day and was annoyed by some things over there, so we talked about that for a while.  It made me a little sad and worried, but I’m glad he talks to me about everything.  I told him about the bad dream I had last night about him starting a relationship with a female military member over there.  He said he was sorry it made me sad, but it was just a dream.  He promised it will never happen, which made me feel better.  He had to go after that, but he said he loves me and will talk to me soon.  I love him so much.  Every day that I talk to him is a good day. 

I miss him so much.  One of my friends on Facebook changed her profile picture.  It is of her jumping on and hugging her husband at the airport when he came home for R & R.  I can’t wait for that day we pick Phil up from the airport and I can put my arms around him.  The picture made me want to cry.  My mom told me the other day that it’s ok to cry, that it releases stress.  I try not to cry, though, simply because I’m afraid that once I start crying, I may never stop.  Half my heart is in Afghanistan. L

Today, I don’t have school, but I woke up in a panic this morning because I forgot and I thought I was going to be late. However, I had a nice little wake up call this morning when one of the car alarms in the parking lot decided to go off at 7. It honked and honked for about 15 minutes and finally stopped.  Grrrr... I fell back asleep, and woke up in time to talk to Phil around 9:30. I'm tired, but I’m going to spend the day working on a memorandum assignment for my Criminal Procedure class. We have to read a hundred pages of case materials and then write a memo discussing the issues in the case.  Fun. Tonight, I’ll probably go to the gym and run on the treadmill.  My legs were still too sore yesterday but are better today. 

I hope today is a good day and that I’ll hear from Phil tomorrow.